Good Mood= Too Much Food

I wrote this Yesterday...

I don’t feel like posting, but I’m forcing myself. I’m having horrible mood swings right now, and I know why.
Yesterday my mood was so giddy and amazing that I ate so much, I felt so good about myself that I didn’t think it would hurt. It did.
Yesterday was perfect up until the point when my phone was stolen by a total bitch. I got it back today, and they suspended her. When she comes back, I’m dead. She’s gonna come back with a grudge like no other.


On the bright side, I didn’t eat lunch. I had some weight control oatmeal for breakfast, which was somewhere around 150 calories.
I’m going to start the ABC diet next week maybe… I think it will be muy difícil over Christmas break, but hopefully I can manage. I just want to be skinny. Please, God, make me skinny. Skinny skinny.
Pleasseeeee I want to be skinny.


I wanna be beautiful
So fuckin’ bad
Get the compliments I’ve never had.
I wanna be on the cover of
Vogue magazine
Smilin’ next to beckham and Lavigne
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my bones like shinin’ lights
A different diet every night
Oh I, I swear
The world better prepare
For when I’m lighter than air

Amazing

Kenzie, if you don't want to hear this stuff, don't read it, 'cause I'm tired of catering to everyone else's feelings on my blog. I know that sounds harsh but Kenzie you know I'll always be your friend, and I am just fed up of being who everyone wants me to be.

Saturday night was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I have bruises on my neck, bruises on the front of my hips (and on the area in between them...), on my legs and arms, and my bottom lip is swollen. IM SO HAPPY. Libby and I talked through some painful issues in my life, like my anorexia, and stuff like that...
I mean, I'm not done... But at least now I make an attempt to be okay.
Libby and I are a lot closer now, I think. I tried to make her understand why I'm not ready, but she didn't really... Get it... whatever... I’ll make her see somehow...

I had oatmeal for breakfast J
I’m so ridiculously happy today. I feel like nothing could go wrong, nothing could bring me down from this high. Holy Mary Mother of God I’m in love.
If I ever had any doubts… well just look at me! my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, I have this little ache on my side where her hand was when we fell asleep.

Finals

I wrote this Friday

Finals
I FUCKING HATE FINALS.
They’re kicking my ass.
Speaking of my ass, it’s huge.
I was doing well, but I had an almost binge last night with Meaghan.
Panda Kids Meal
Fried rice: 530
Orange chicken: 420
Fortune cookie: 32
Chocolate Chunk Cookie: 160
Small Sonic Vanilla Malt: 500

People suck.

Do you know how nervous I am, my dad's twin brother (I've called him Uncle Daddy since forever) is coming to listen to me singing in German at Mass today. I’m going to be singing Silent Night. HELP!
I feel like I’m only losing weight on my stomach. My ribs don’t show on my chest, and they did last year. Also, my back doesn’t really look that bony. Other than my spine, nothin. A little bit of visible shoulder blade, that’s it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Just gotta keep plowing on. I hope I can be at least 98 by the time my brother gets home for Christmas, I wonder if he will notice the difference. Doubtful. I wish I had a good picture of me at the end of the summer, so I could compare it to now. The problem is, at SuperCamp, I got used to the whole “excited about food” attitude we had there, so I kept it almost the rest of the summer. Then, when summer was almost over, I had what is called a triggering moment. I tried to put on my black cutoff shorts, and I COULDN’T. I panicked. I didn’t really change though. I just became aware of my fatness.

I just sang. It went fine. I don’t know why I was overreacting. It went amazingly well.

Robert and I are going to have a conference with this idiotic teacher at my school. He continuously insists on singing in the mass choir even though he doesn’t know the songs and doesn’t attend practices. So today we had to stall for awhile because we were waiting for the Priest to arrive, so he decided to sing. Which is fine, its whatever, except the first song he sang was SILENT NIGHT. AND HE DIDN’T KNOW THE WORDS. Fuck my life.
So here is what were going to say, in a nutshell.
(Ha-ha imagine us sitting in a giant nutshell talking to him xD)
“So I understand that you tried to keep with the fact that we were singing Christmas songs this week, but understand, if you would EVER attend practice, you would have known that we had plans for Silent Night. Now, seeing as you are a teacher, we understand that it is necessary for you to be in your classroom from 3:00 pm to 3:40 pm, which, coincidentally, is when Mass Choir practices occur. Therefore, we regret to inform you, due to the problems you present to the efficiency of the mass, we will have to ask you not to participate any longer. We ask all of our Mass Choir members to follow these rules, and it is only fair that we ask you to comply as well.”
Or something like that.

Weight Loss

I wrote this yesterday.
How is this possible? I have lost eight pounds since November 28^th.  I hold and cup my hip bones with my hands when I lay down, I study my body in every mirror, I drool over my ribs, my spine, my collarbones. I fucking LOVE losing weight. I wish other people would notice it though. The only people who I think could actually tell that I’m skinnier are the people who haven’t seen me since mid-late summer.

Terrorists have killed 3000 Americans since 1990.
Abortionists have killed 4000 Americans since yesterday.

Scattered

I just didn’t know what to say. I just feel like words cannot express these feelings. My voice is gone, and it just kills me. It kills. I sang in front of my entire youth group on Sunday night. Libby attended. Promptly afterward, my voice finished disappearing. It was on the way out, but now, well, I’m never gonna be a singer. And that’s okay, I guess. I can still be an author. I just wish that I could lose the weight I need to. I’m so fucking fat, and at the same time I look at myself and am happy every time I see more sharply defined ribs, when I’m able to grab my hip bones, when I can feel the hunger curling into my stomach. I am happy being anorexic. (God, that’s an ugly word)
I don’t want to let go of my dreams of being thinner, my dreams of being a singer, my dreams of being love, my dreams of having children.
But alas, I must.

I’m trying to be a better Christian, but its hard to wrap my head around someone loving me so much that they would die for me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand anyone loving me. I’m really down right now. I’m such a fake. I pretend to be anorexic, but I’m not even skinny. I lie to everyone; I act like I’m such a badass.
I should fucking die.
I don’t deserve all of the kindness shown to me; I don’t deserve all the compliments. I deserve every second of embarrassment, every second of sadness, of pain, hurt, and hatred towards me. Every ill will towards me, every snide comment, every bad grade, every smack and kick and punch, I deserve.
I deserve to die.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Next

Saturday I woke up and we, (my dad, brother, and I) went to Chile Pepper for lunch, and then to the Coffee Bean to meet my mother and her mother, who I call Grandee, for drinks. I forgot my teeth, but it was no matter. Then my mom and I left and picked up Libby, and returned home. I changed clothes, and brushed my teeth, and put my retainers in. then we left and went to the Annual Tower Lighting. The Tower Lighting is something I think is Unique to Yuma. We have a giant water tower on the top of the only real hill in Yuma, and it presides over both the plateau above the hill, and the valley below. It is visible from anywhere in the town. Around Christmastime, there are lights on the tower that… ugh... it’s difficult to explain. There are lights on the tower that make the tower look like it is shaped like a Christmas tree. They hold a big ceremony every year for when they light it, and it was this Saturday. Kristin and the dance company she is a part of were dancing in it, so we went. Libby and I cuddled on the top of the bleachers and watched. Afterwards, we walked to my Grandma’s house, which is really just across the street from where the Tower Lighting is held. Oh how she teased me. Any who, then my brother and dad came and picked us up to take us home. We went to my house, where Kristin was waiting. We hung out for awhile, until my parents told us we were going to the movies. I changed and we went. My parents and brother watched Immortals, while Libby, Kristin, and I watched Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. After all the hype is over, it wasn’t nearly that bad. I mean yes, there were parts that could have been improved upon, and parts that weren’t true to the book, but the emotion was definitely there, and the acting was much improved. Plus, vampire movies put Libby in this… mood… this lovely, bitey mood. J
We then dropped off Libby and Kristin at Libby’s house to sleep over. (I wasn’t allowed because my parents suck ass)

Monday, the 28th

I’m lost for words, a first for me.
Since I had a half day on Wednesday, I think I went and did something. Maybe my dad and I had lunch somewhere. I don’t remember. (Later added: my brother picked me up from school, and took me to my grandma’s. my dad met us there, and my cousin and her soon-to-be husband were there, and we ate Chile Pepper) Then on Thursday as I previously stated, I watched the Parade, then went to the desert. Picacho, to be exact. We ate mounds of food, and as you can see on my little weights chart on the right, I gained 4 pounds.
Ill lose it again I swear Libby.
I know that you don’t want me to lose weight, but trust me; I’ll be so beautiful when I do. I’ll be a pretty little ballerina, lighter than air, perfect. I love you, and only want to make myself perfect for you.
I want you to see my bones, shining and pure and beautiful.


Any who. I spent the night in the dunes with Kristin. Friday we rode around, and tried to make plans to sleep over at Libby’s house that night. We failed, because we were too tired anyway. I showered and went to bed around 11:30 pm. Saturday,

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

I wrote this on Thanksgiving.
The family tradition of watching it turn to hell when I try to do something blog-related about it.


So If you don't know about NeverShoutNever let me give you the low down. They are from Joplin, Missouri, where a year or so ago a tornado wiped out the majority of the town. The local high school, Carmel High School, (which the lead singer Christofer Drew briefly attended) had a very good band. They were able to raise enough money to attend the Parade. I think Christofer would be proud :)


I was Happy to see Cobra Starship on one of the floats, but it cracked me up to see it because they aren't normally that Family- Oriented.


Neither is my family.
Just fucking kill me. forget I tried to post today.
Forget it.
I hate my life.
I cant do ANYTHING without getting criticized. I was expecting my brother to be on my side like he usually is, but he’s not. FUCK IT.
Im going to the desert now, after I cut.


“Why should I care?”

-          Losing My Grip, Avril Lavigne

Seeing Her

I wrote this about a week ago
Why can’t it be easier?

All I want for Christmas is a bottle of vodka and a night with Libby. And a puppy. And my two front teeth. Basically all I want for Christmas is for someone to know what I want for Christmas without me having to sing this damn song.

“So I’ll make sure to keep my distance
say “I love you” when you’re not listenin’”
-Distance, Christina Perri

Depressing.

I gained so much this weekend...
Fuck.
I can’t be around my family without hardcore bingeing. So I’m going to starve HARDCORE.
My brother gets into town tomorrow to be with our family for Thanksgiving. Man I fucking hate thanksgiving. I love my brother though. I miss him so much. He’s like my best friend, and I know who I am when I’m with him. He is the best rehab ever… I love him.
I don’t know why my ribs still hurt; the doctor says they’re completely healed.
I’m hungry
I’m tired
I’m cold
I’m never good enough for you.

I’m in history now. I don’t know why we even take this class. Its such a waste of time. I just want to sleep. I got like 16 or 17 minutes, during a video last period. I can’t understand why I keep living this way. I don’t know why I can’t love myself. I don’t understand what went wrong to make me this way. I don’t know why I’m so depressed. I don’t know why I can’t ask for help.

“I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”
-Pain, Three Days Grace

Dreading

I wrote this Friday night..

I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE. Libby. Babe. I’m crying so hard. Its 3:18 am right now. I need you. Come hereeee babe…
I don’t want to cut, but it’s bound to happen soon. I can’t escape… you’re usually my escape, and without you, what have I? Shadows of what used to be. Pretend families, pretend love. Pretend happiness. With you, I stop doubting. With you, I know.
I know love, I know lust. I know compassion, I know passion. I know pain, I know pleasure. I stop doubting everything.
As soon as were apart, reality, fuzziness, snaps back. I start to panic at the thought of opening doors again. I can’t look at the bottom of my cups. Organization. Alphabetizing. Shaking. Panic attacks. Cutting. These become my reality, my entire miserable existence. And once more…
I hyperventilate myself to sleep.

Fight the Power

So free dress day at school today.
Most people take this to look thier very best, seeing as NOone looks good in these uniforms.
Im wearing pajamas, and my hair is wet.
I didn't go as far as not wearing makeup, quite the contrary. I've got racoon eyes from all the eyeliner.

My grandma wants to take me out for lunch today. fuck. my. life.
The last thing my fatass needs is food.

So I dyed my hair. It was like a really wierd yellow-blonde, with about 2 inches of roots grown out. Now it is brown with lighter streaks in it, and some reddishness, and it's lovely.

So saturday is a big day. 3 months. thats half of half of a year. 1/4 of a year. BIG. FUCKING. DEAL. but what did I do? I got in trouble, so I'm leaving on Saturday for Phoenix, and won't return until late Sunday afternoon.

I hate myself. I want to die. I haven't seen Libby in so long..... if i have to wait until the weekend after this...
I've been cutting again. and i found another thing... see, there's these pills, lovely little blue things, that we used when i was in the hospital. thyroid pills. they make your heart go faster, and your metabolism go up and stuff. i started taking them... im losing weight super fast. :)

Libby, the next time you see me, I'll be 98 pounds. I promise.

I hate School.

The title says it all. School is evil. it must be stopped.

My stomach is growling hardcore right now. It and my brain are plotting against me, reminding me that i have a sandwich in my backpack, telling me i deserve it when i KNOW i don't. I hate myself today. I have cuts on my ribs and a hurt arm and a sore back and my neck is getting really bad and... :( i hurt all over.

I just want to see Libby.
My leg is asleep.

My schoolwork. Ugh. I am so ridiculously behind right now. I feel like I'm in one of those video games where the plates are falling and you try to catch them before they shatter, as soon as i run over here and have this side under control, the plates on the other side are shattering. As soon as i focus my attentions on one area, the rest of the areas all go to shit.
*sigh
I know this guy. He is sitting behind me right now. He used to be a good friend of mine. Now he is a total dick and calls me fat (which i am) and tells me all this shit and i can't fucking take it anymore.

So I made a promise that I would never use any substances again. Oops. I smoked weed this morning.

God hates me.

"I ain’t happy
But I'm feelin' glad
I've got sunshine
in a bag."
- Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz

OCD

 

You can't sit on a chair if it doesn't allow you to cross your legs or sit strangely. When you put ice in a drink, it has to have 8 ice cubes in it, four if it's a small cup. Never, EVER open a door yourself. Avoid LOOKING at doors at all costs. Car doors don't count. Exactly four pumps of soap every time you wash your hands. When chewing, chew each bite in even numbers. You know... 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, etc. Cut your food in half, and then half again (and again and again). Don't step on the sidewalk cracks. If you do, step on another with the opposite foot in the exact same place. Keep it even. If you're eating with a fork, don't let the food touch your lips. Only use a spoon when you ABSOLUTELY can't use a fork. Cross your legs and rhythmically tap your foot against your ankle bone. Count. Stack your books just so. And when it all starts to overwhelm you, hold yourself together, hug your own shoulders, and squeeze till it's over and your heart stops racing.

Love

So I'm trying to stop hating myself, but I cant. Every time I look in the mirror I want to die. I wish that I was strong enough to lose the weight, but I just can't. I'm such a fucking weakling, and I hate myself for it.
I don't even know why anyone talks to me. I'm such a failure. I'm a selfish bitch, I complain all the time, and I'm really depressing. Plus, I never follow through.
I've been flirting hardcore with Libby, making promises I cant keep. I am a Christian now, and as much as I seem unchanged, this is the one thing I won't sway on. No sex. I just can't do it right now. I'm not ready.
I kinda hate myself for saying that, but I'm not going to lie. All of my other morals have been compromised, at least I can keep my girl virginity.
I know that's going to put a damper on things at Libby's party, but I don't mind. I really just can't do it.
I don't know what to say.
I'm starting my 24 hour fast today. Yesterday I failed, but today I will succeed. If I don't think about how long I have to go, I could fast forever. I want to. I can't wait till I move out, so I won't have any food in my house and I'll just stop eating altogether.
Sometimes I hear about pro-ana people having to wear alot of layers and stuff because people around them are getting suspicious. I'm not skinny enough for people to be suspicious. They think fat people can't be anorexic. hah.


Libby, babe, I love you.
"I know your love is true
It's not just sex for you
It's the first time that I felt this way in a long time
And it's something I could get used to."
-Making Love, NeverShoutNever

Yuma Star

Libby sang so beautifully last night.


She thought she did horribly and she thought the only reason people clapped was out of sympathy.


bull.
She made me cry, and it wasn't even a sad song.
I hope I can go to Libby's party on Saturday. I have a 4-H Rabbit meeting from 430 to 6ish, and her party starts at 4. If it's a sleepover, I will be fine, but if not it will just be awkward. I am so exhausted right now. I pigged out yesterday/last night.
I'm not allowing myself any food today. 24 hour fast.
I feel so hugely disgusting. I want to go for a run.


I just want to sleep for a thousand years.

"Ain't seen or heard from you
I been missin' you crazy
How do you, how do you sleep?

Found the letter you wrote me
It still smells just like you
Man, those sweet memories
How do you, how do you sleep?
How do you sleep?"
-How Do You Sleep, Jesse McCartney

Happy Birthday Libby!

Happy Birthday Libby!

I love you so much baby I am really trying to go to lunch at your school today, have Kenzie show you the Voicemail on her Phone from me.

My dad is really mad at me, so I doubt I can go, but maybe I can still go to Yuma Star tonight? I hope so. I love you so much.

I have a test on a book I haven’t read in my next class period. I thought it was tomorrow. I’m going to fail…

I wish the guy who runs the school internet would do his fucking job. The internet is slower than ever today, on the day when I need it the most. All of the freshman at my school are gone today, on a retreat. That should make the internet faster, because less people are using it, but NOOOOOOOOO.

I also have a history test today. I hate my life sometimes when I’m not with Libby. When stuff sucks I just think about Halloween, and I smile J

Babe you’re so important to me, I’m working so hard to get to see you before this weekend, I don’t even know if I can see you this weekend…

I’m not letting myself think about that, because I don’t want to cry. My eyes hurt from crying last night.

I think I’m really dehydrated. Last night I woke up and was so extremely thirsty that I went downstairs and chugged a huge cup of water. I refilled it and added (8) ice cubes, but I passed back out before I could drink any more of it. Right now I am so thirsty, all I’ve had since taco bell Monday night is black coffee and 3 monsters. I had 2 monsters yesterday and one this morning.

I’m so tired of being so emotional all the time. I get too attached to things, and I just annoy people with my mood swings. Ah, the joys of being bipolar.

“You make me happy

Whether you know it or not

We should be happy

That’s what I’ve said from the start

I am so happy

Knowing you are the one that I want for the rest of my days

For the rest of my days

You’re all of my days

I’m happy knowing you are mine

The grass is greener on the other side

The more I think the more I wish

That we could lay here for hours and just

Reminisce

Uh ooh ooh.”

-Happy, NeverShoutNever

Halloween Fuck YES!

I FUCKING LOVE HALLOWEEN!

I know the candy is a major temptation, but I think I'm going to be fine. I GET TO SEE LIBBY! Is it weird that I'm nervous?
I'm extremely nervous to see her. This weird feeling is in my stomach, like before I go onstage.

I don't even know what to type I feel like I'm going to get my hopes up and then get them crushed...

BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT BE EXCITED, ITS FUCKING HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to the DMV today to get my license. fuck yes. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I didn't take my ADHD medicine today, obviously.

HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN!

Poems of an Insomniac

I don't deserve anything.
I am a low down, dirty rotten, filthy whore.
I am fat.
I am worthless.
I am lost.
I am worth something to some people.
I am only a few pounds away from my goal.
I am in a committed relationship.
I deserve everything I get.

I love Libby Elaina Johnson.
I hate my nose.
I love my eyes.
I hate my toes.
I miss my brother.
I won't miss this town.
I miss my grandpa.
I don't miss his frown.
I want to be happy.
I don't want to be sad.
I want my daddy to love me.
Is that so bad?

Sleep evades my poisoned mind
Like wind scattering leaves
I walk these abandoned streets trying to find
A house without blood dripping off of the eaves
Each household
will hold
a secret of darkness and damp and decay
to keep them from seeming socially corrupt
a truth that shall never see the light of day
causing their children to just give up.

The world is finally spinning
In the right direction
No longer do I need to glance over my shoulder
I finally can smile and no longer need tears
Everything feels right for once
I swear I can't stop this contagious smile
From overtaking me
I love the elated emotion that courses through my veins
I am finally happy
Finally happy
And you know it's because of her
She's the best thing that could happen to me
I just smile and smile and smile
I can't stop
Why should I?
My life has taken a turn for the better
I couldn't be happier.

Music blasting
Tunes swirling around me
Drunk on words and ecstasy
I stand surrounded by these screaming mute words
And my ears have gone deaf
They couldn´t stand hearing
Seeing
Feeling
What we´ve become




Taste my flesh
Come on then
It´s what you´re here for
Don´t you think I see it in your eyes?
How the greed is glowing green
Tear my clothes off
My mind has already shut down
No need for respect
Bite my tongue, cut me open
Hit me, dissect me,
I´m already dead
It doesn´t matter any longer



Fire trembling up my spine
Like your fingers touching my chest
It still scolds
Even if am stone cold
Dead and gone
I can still feel
the fire
I can still hear
Untrue words
You´re casting, cursing, shouting
Crawling into my ears
Even though I can no longer hear



Bone pipes
That will crack
Bloodstains
That I can´t erase
Tunes still overwhelming
They try to warn
Try to make me scream
But my lips won´t open
It´s too late
This is the final battle and the final disgrace
Where I will lose and they win



Holds me
Just another fight cracking my bone
Loves me
Just another light blown out by you
So I won´t see the evil deed you will do
Hugs me
Just another evil word slapped into my face
Affects me
Just another touch
That drives me to the edge of my last sanity
Kisses me
Just another ignored cry in the end of the night
Rape me then
If it what you all so dearly wish to do
But never again
Tell me you love me
There I draw the line



You tear me apart like a saw
Through my skin erasing your crime
Reaching for my vein
Clutching at the sight of muscle and tendons
You´ve reached the bone marrow
It´s seeping through
So slowly reaching the floor
As my body smashing into filth and dirt
Taking one last dirty inhale and I can feel how it all just crashes
How my eyes have stopped searching for a way out
How my brain has stopped thinking that it´s what I deserve
And my hands doesn´t shiver anymore
Are you sure am still alive?



Tunes dancing all around
Their feet hits a chin covered in saliva and blood
They stop and take a glance on what´s below
Pretty marble eyes staring stiff at a dirty bag
Ugly ribs covered in new slashes
Beautiful sharp black nails with white cracks in them
Fake silver chain have been ripped apart
White powder staining the emaciated body
They stare in wonder for a moment
Just before they keep on dancing
And start singing the song
About the child whose childhood you stole
And therefore it didn´t know
That it´s common sense
To not accept
Sweet candy hearts from a stranger

my head itches.
this isnt a poem, bitches :P

on top of old SMOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEE all covered with jizz.......... yeah i dont know. my laptop is bein wonky.
if i open a restaurant, ill call it FuckMyself. So people can be all "where you going?" "oh, im going down the road to FuckMyself"

I'm so fucking tired.
All I want to do is sleep, and all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth and a big bowl of Libby.

I sound like I'm high. (I am. high as a kite)

Smokin' Peace, its what failures like me do on a Sunday night when they are losing one of their best friends to the Marines. :(

I hardcore binged today, which is bad since tomorrow (technically today) is halloween, where there will be thousands of temptations. but honestly, candy sounds disgusting right now. all I really want is water. I cant remember the last time I drank water. All I've had the past week is soda and energy drinks. and tea.

Peace, Love, Herb

"I need some sleep,
tomorrow I have things to do.
But everytime I close my eyes I see your face
so I try to read
but all I do is lose my place"
- Obsessed, Miley Cyrus

Music

Elias Wiley, my buddy who is in Yuma Star is randomly singing Someone Like You by Adele and he turned to ask my opinion and I was crying. Im still… oh fuck I hate crying in public.

Then he sang his Yuma Star song, Who You Are by Jessie J. Man I hate crying.

Libby, come here. No one will look at me. No one is helping. I hate crying. Libby, if I was crying in front of you, you’d help me right?

HAIR

Lame-ass title, right?

I think I really need to change my hair. #1, my roots are grown out SO far, it looks trashy. #2, I’ve had the same haircut since 7^th grade. #3, I’m getting bored of plain blonde. I’ve got an idea though, but it will take some work.

Libby for some reason my computer won’t let me comment on any blogs, not even my own, so I just want to let you know, I care, I wish you could call me so I can help you with the song thing. You probably sound fine and are just stressing. I read your blog, wish you would post more often and email me. I love you to itty bitty teeny tiny little fuckable pieces. I’m glad your mom doesn’t hate me. My mom will say yes as long as I get my shit together. Were singing Just a Kiss in choir and I can’t help thinking of you.
My voice is almost completely gone. L
I’ll keep singing just for you, even if it sounds horrible, and you’re begging me to stop.

“Lyin’ here with you so close to me
It’s hard to fight these feelin’s when it feels so hard to breathe
I’m caught up in this moment
I’m caught up in your smile”

Now were singing Lucky by Colbie Callait and Jason Mraz

“Lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin’ home again
Lucky were in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday
Though the breezes
Through the trees
Move so pretty
You’re all I see
As the world keeps
Spinnin’ round
You hold me right here right now”

Man I miss the hell out of you. Come here. I had this dream last night that I had a twin sister that no one except me knew about and she was like hardcore making out with Kristin’s brother, and Katie (Waterford) saw and thought it was me and went to tell you and you thought I was cheating and I woke up with my pillow soaking wet with tears, and freezing cold.

Surreal (from Thursday. I really gotta start posting these on the right days)

I feel like today is almost like a fake, strange version of a normal day.


When I woke up this morning, it was freezing cold. Literally. I could see my breath. I didn’t get up for quite some time. When I finally awoke I made a deal with myself that I would hurriedly get ready and then curl back up in bed. I didn’t put on any makeup, brushed my teeth, put in my retainer, put on a bra and underwear, my uniform shirt, and the shorts that go under my skirt. I ran back and brushed my hair, then curled back up in my bed, with flannel sheets, a fleece and extremely warm furry-ish blanket, and my comforter on top of me. I also was snuggling under the covers with my Hippo, and a heating pad on high. Freezing.


I forced myself out of bed at 7:40, put on my skirt and sweatshirt, got my stuff together, put socks and shoes on, and went downstairs, calling for my dad to come down. My mom told me she forgot to pack me a lunch, and I said I had money. My dad let me drive to school today, and I think I did really well. I don’t know what it is about driving with my mom that causes me to make so many mistakes. I rarely mess up when I’m with my dad. Anyways, we got to school, joked our way through prayer, I did my English homework during physics (therefore falling FARTHER behind in physics, but oh well), went to English, aced the test, went to weight training, impressed everyone with my limbo skills, went to Morality, kept my mouth shut, went to Choir, sang till my throat hurt (which lately takes about 2 notes…), went to lunch, I love my table. Now I’m in history, were we never actually do anything, and then get tested on it. After this is Algebra, where I am so lost and behind I don’t think I will ever pull through. I’ve lost my $80 calculator, so I’m going to fail.


My hands feel numb, and everything today feels…. Like a slightly warped version of what it should be. The pain of hunger and cramps in my stomach, mixed with my rib, are almost too much. Even now, my head feels swirled inside, like someone just stirred it with a mixing spoon.


I have no idea how much I weigh, I hate weighing myself, or looking at myself, while Tom is in town. I look fatter. It’s disgusting. As soon as my rib heals, I’m going to celebrate by doing sit-ups until I puke.


“Nothing is real,
I know this ‘cause I made a deal
with the devil. he told me that I
was just wasting my time
on the moon.”
-Time Travel, NeverShoutNever

Ouch (from Wednesday)

When they say everything hurts with a broken rib, they don’t lie. Tom just came in town (T.O.M. = time of month), and holy crap. I don’t know if these are just super bad cramps or if they are related to the rib thing.
Today has been a good day; I’m on a fasting high. I love it J fasting highs are the best. My last Behind the Wheel thing is today, and then Mr. Anderson gives me the papers, I take them to the DMV on Monday, and WHAM! FREEDOM. Ha-ha wow I’m immature. I want to be a SUPASTARR! Don’t ask.


I think I’m an Egyptian goddess. The goddess of ugliness. No wait; it was the Greeks who had gods and goddesses for everything. Ha-ha I kept typing dogs and doggesses. I’m so dyslexic. My hands hurt. Am I giving myself arthritis because I crack my knuckles a lot? They hurt really badly. L


I feel like I have my hopes for this weekend and Halloween up so high, I’m going to get really disappointed. I don’t even have a costume. I have to work on my grades, but I keep blogging ha-ha. Here is my list of things I need to get done before any fun can happen:

1.    Clean your room. Seriously. I don’t care if it’s your OCD organized mess, it looks like shit and you trip a lot.

2.    Get rid of the drowning feeling in your brain whenever you think about school. Go visit each teacher individually and WRITE DOWN what you need to do. AND ACTUALLY GET IT ALL DONE. You bring this shit upon yourself.

1.    History= Mr. Dedecker

2.    Physics= Mr. Coffeen

3.    Algebra 2= Mr. Anderson

4.    AP English= Mr. Mork

5.    Morality= Dr. Butta

6.    Choir= Mr. Arviso

7.    Weight Training= Mr. Frayzeen

3.    Stop fighting with your parents. We get it, they’re wrong and stupid. Pretend they aren’t. You’re an actress, remember? Act.

4.    Be responsible. Either get your mom to tell Libby’s mom that she had it all wrong (yeah, like the bitch will admit she was wrong) or steal her phone and text Libby’s mom saying the same thing.

5.    Prove you are a good enough daughter to get the texting back on your phone (right now I can only text mom, dad, grandpa, and brother) by keeping this list up EVERY WEEK.

6.    On a personal note, lose weight. You have to fit into a costume (if you get on top of your shit and buy one) by Monday, so hurry that shit up.

I want to print this out or something so I know what to do. I know myself, and I will forget. Ill like copy/paste it on another thing, erase the cusswords, print like twelve of them, and put them everywhere.


I have this antsy feeling. I can’t identify it. It makes me keep popping my ears and stuff. It’s like I have to pee, but I don’t. It’s this fuzzy, prickly feeling in my brain that I usually accredit to ADHD. It makes it really difficult for me to focus. My arms and legs have it too, I have to keep moving. I hate this. I hate being ADHD and having to take medicine to make me normal. I hate not being able to complete simple tasks like homework, just because I can’t look at a piece of paper for more than a few seconds. The doctor we go to says I have the most advanced case of ADHD she’s ever seen, and she’s been an ADHD specialist around the country for 50 years. Along with my ADHD comes a lot of other issues. I have OCD, which is partly caused by ADHD people’s tendency to hyperfocus on things. I am bipolar, for reasons unknown, as well as partially dyslexic and anger management. Basically, I should be an idiot. But I took this test with the ADHD lady and scored total off the hook genius… confusing, right?

Happiness

Last night I had behind the wheel driving with Mr. Anderson. I almost fell asleep, because he wanted to practice freeway driving, which is the most sleep inducing thing ever, on TOP of my extreme exhaustion. When I got home, I immediately went to sleep at 6:30 and didn’t wake up until 7am this morning. I feel so rested.
Plus, since I was asleep, I didn’t eat dinner last night, which means other than the 3 grapes from this morning, I haven’t eaten since Sunday night J
I’m so proud of myself.
My stomach keeps making noises and I don’t know how to shut it up. I finally understand that “fasting high” that so many ED girls talk about. This is amazing. So much better than weed or sugar or anything. For lunch I allowed myself to have a fruit punch, because I would need some sustenance. Maybe if I go to sleep early again tonight, I can avoid dinner a SECOND time.
Ive never been proud of myself (other than singing and acting), so this feels really good.
If only libby were here.


By the way, even though it seems that I am preaching the wonders of anorexia, but really, don’t start. Ever. Its an unhealthy mindset of self hatred. I don’t recommend it.

Thinking (from Monday morning)

Thinking
Who would I be if I did what I wanted?
Who am I now?
Am I a total fake?
If I do things just so I don't hurt people, I just hurt other people.
And myself. Not that I matter.


This was a major binge weekend, because I was staying at my grandma's house. I want to move in permanently, but the only thing stopping me is the fact that I eat so much when I'm there. Normally I feel like when people think I should eat, I don't, and when they think I shouldn't, I do. I think it's my inner rebel. But at my grandma's, it's different. At her house, she offers, and I accept because I don’t want her to feel bad. Plus, she has all of my favorite food at her house. On Sunday before my parents came home we went grocery shopping and I found myself acting like a little kid, and begging her for candy. If I ever need rehab, that’s where I'll go.


Wow Morgan. Stop talking about yourself. Move the fuck on.
This is a blog… it’s about me.
My nails are pink *shudders* I chipped the paint off of my pointer finger and thumb of my right hand.


So I gained a lot of weight. I'm back at 108 what the fuck. I hate myself. Oh well. It's always darkest before the dawn. On the bright side, HALLOWEEN A WEEK FROM TODAY! Fuck I love Halloween. Even if it is all about candy. I don't have to EAT any...
Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday, because I get to be creepy and slutty and am rewarded for it with candy :P Way to go parents, it's a rite of passage, blah blah blah, fuck that, I want to wear a corset and run around getting paid for it. Everyone's a porn star on Halloween.
This month I am performing in a pirate show at a pumpkin patch at my church. We perform every Friday and Saturday of this month. Afterwards we hang around the pumpkin patch until it closes. Sunday night we went to sonic and then Hastings, we being Me, Kenzie, Eliana, Brent, Hector, and I forget. She doesn’t like me anyway. It was really awkward.
I don’t want to talk about it.


I just want to feel like I’m doing something right. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.


I miss my brother. Man I really need him. He’s the only one who makes stuff make sense. I love him to pieces.


I’ve turned into such a hipster lately; and a pothead. My mom doesn’t know the meaning of the word hemp; she thinks it’s just some good for the environment stuff. She was in California this weekend, and she bought a bunch of hemp stuff. Hemp tea, hemp honey… I hope she never learns that word.


You know how you can smell something and it makes you think of someone? I can smell my old friend Kelsey. It’s really strange.


My morality professor just assigned the worst assignment ever. He assigned 2/3rds of a page of writing about Spiritual Gifts. What does that even MEAN?!?! It has to be in 3^rd person, because no one knows how to do that.


I had a crazy psycho dream last night, but all I can remember is a crazy fat guy in a business suit. I barely got any sleep over it. I’m exhausted now, and I honestly don’t feel like I can do all of the crazy shit I need to do today.


WHY IS IT SO FUCKING COLD!


Peace. Love. Herb.


“I am a fake;
 a constant go getter of fate.”
-Time Travel, NeverShoutNever