Dreading

I wrote this Friday night..

I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE. Libby. Babe. I’m crying so hard. Its 3:18 am right now. I need you. Come hereeee babe…
I don’t want to cut, but it’s bound to happen soon. I can’t escape… you’re usually my escape, and without you, what have I? Shadows of what used to be. Pretend families, pretend love. Pretend happiness. With you, I stop doubting. With you, I know.
I know love, I know lust. I know compassion, I know passion. I know pain, I know pleasure. I stop doubting everything.
As soon as were apart, reality, fuzziness, snaps back. I start to panic at the thought of opening doors again. I can’t look at the bottom of my cups. Organization. Alphabetizing. Shaking. Panic attacks. Cutting. These become my reality, my entire miserable existence. And once more…
I hyperventilate myself to sleep.