I know I should probably start in with some sort of introduction or a bit of information about myself, but I've never been known to follow the herd.
Today was V-necks and Vans day at school. It’s spirit week, because of the inevidable and upcoming prom. I’m wearing my mom’s white v-neck t-shirt with the navy blue 1” stripes made up of about 30 ¼ cm stripes, my tighter than tight absolutely skin tight skinny jeans, and a pair of vans knock- offs from Wal-Mart that I bought this morning. I’m also wearing a new pair of socks (yes, they match) that my mom gave me for Easter. They’re baby blue with hearts with snakes wrapped around it and banners that say charmed and twisty vines. I love them. I have my hair down and not the comb over that I usually wear. I have it parted nearly down the middle, and then my bangs come from farther over. The girl in the mirror almost looked pretty today, until i looked at the rolls of fat filling out the jeans, the muffin top poking over the waistband, watermellon- sized boobs filling out the top of the shirt, bursting at the seams. disgusting.
I woke up at 6:15 this morning, and had a bowl of cereal.
1 ½ cups EnviroKids Peanut Butter Panda Puffs= 260
1 ½ cups Cascadian Farms Organic Chocolate O’s= 133.34
1 cup 1% milk= 105
498.34 = breakfast
Lunch was different today. My lunch table decided to sit in a classroom. I wasn't invited. I dont know which room. I never checked. Sean’s B period got switched to 2nd
lunch because his teacher wanted to go to lunch. We were left with the option of awkwardly squeezing in with another table, or sitting at the empty space I normally sat at. We chose to sit at Stephen Franklin’s table. The lunch group consisted of
1. Stephen Franklin
2. Justin Beard
3. Bradley Crye
4. Justin Hutchins
5. Sean Franklin
6. Sean Osborne
7. Me
Stephen has lost a lot of weight. I never noticed. He ate a lot of lunch too. God I’m jealous.
Justin has always been scrawny, but now he’s muscular.
Brad is like 7 feet tall, so he’s painfully thin.
Justin is a chubby bunny, but it suits him.
Sean is not thin, but not fat. Muscular.
Sean is chubby, but not as much as Justin, because he’s taller.
I’m huge.
I don’t know what my problem is. All I drank was water for lunch. I gave my half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (179.5) to Sean Osborne, and my trail mix (25) to Sean Franklin.
I can't sit down anymore without part of my body falling asleep, i have constant headaches that are so bad they make me cry. i cant take tylenol to make it go away (did you know tylenol has calories too?) so i just sit in agony.
My Best Guy Friend In The Whole Wide World (BGFITWWW) Drove me home from school today, and tried to get me to talk about Ana. I just couldn't.
Ana is my Truly Best Friend because she helps me. I could be normal, but i have to see my bones shining underneath my skin or I swear to fucking God I will just die.
Ana is my Worst Enemy/Nightmare because she hurts me. It's so hard to keep doing what she wants me to do. I can see the signs, the hair loss, lack of sleep, less energy except when im running on pure adrenaline and black coffee, but the weight keeps falling off, so I'll stay by Ana's side until I'm thin, thinner, thinnest, gone.
I still have to suffer through dinner with my family, where I'll choke down enough to please them, then to the gym. I used to throw myself into my workouts, but with this fatigue I can't stand up anymore without 5 to 6 minutes of almost passing out.
I can't say "I'm not hungry" anymore. I have to pack lunches for school that i eather throw away or give away. I have to nonchalantly snack in front of my parents, inner calculator running up the numbers, calculating my sins, so that I can return to my room and dig for my razor blade. I'll roll my shirt up, past the caved in jelly roll tummy, past the protruding rib bones buried deep beneath fat, and slice on my ribs, one for every calorie over my limit.
I am getting stronger.
So what if it hurts, pain is only weakness leaving your body.
