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Saturday I woke up and we, (my dad, brother, and I) went to Chile Pepper for lunch, and then to the Coffee Bean to meet my mother and her mother, who I call Grandee, for drinks. I forgot my teeth, but it was no matter. Then my mom and I left and picked up Libby, and returned home. I changed clothes, and brushed my teeth, and put my retainers in. then we left and went to the Annual Tower Lighting. The Tower Lighting is something I think is Unique to Yuma. We have a giant water tower on the top of the only real hill in Yuma, and it presides over both the plateau above the hill, and the valley below. It is visible from anywhere in the town. Around Christmastime, there are lights on the tower that… ugh... it’s difficult to explain. There are lights on the tower that make the tower look like it is shaped like a Christmas tree. They hold a big ceremony every year for when they light it, and it was this Saturday. Kristin and the dance company she is a part of were dancing in it, so we went. Libby and I cuddled on the top of the bleachers and watched. Afterwards, we walked to my Grandma’s house, which is really just across the street from where the Tower Lighting is held. Oh how she teased me. Any who, then my brother and dad came and picked us up to take us home. We went to my house, where Kristin was waiting. We hung out for awhile, until my parents told us we were going to the movies. I changed and we went. My parents and brother watched Immortals, while Libby, Kristin, and I watched Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. After all the hype is over, it wasn’t nearly that bad. I mean yes, there were parts that could have been improved upon, and parts that weren’t true to the book, but the emotion was definitely there, and the acting was much improved. Plus, vampire movies put Libby in this… mood… this lovely, bitey mood. J
We then dropped off Libby and Kristin at Libby’s house to sleep over. (I wasn’t allowed because my parents suck ass)

Monday, the 28th

I’m lost for words, a first for me.
Since I had a half day on Wednesday, I think I went and did something. Maybe my dad and I had lunch somewhere. I don’t remember. (Later added: my brother picked me up from school, and took me to my grandma’s. my dad met us there, and my cousin and her soon-to-be husband were there, and we ate Chile Pepper) Then on Thursday as I previously stated, I watched the Parade, then went to the desert. Picacho, to be exact. We ate mounds of food, and as you can see on my little weights chart on the right, I gained 4 pounds.
Ill lose it again I swear Libby.
I know that you don’t want me to lose weight, but trust me; I’ll be so beautiful when I do. I’ll be a pretty little ballerina, lighter than air, perfect. I love you, and only want to make myself perfect for you.
I want you to see my bones, shining and pure and beautiful.


Any who. I spent the night in the dunes with Kristin. Friday we rode around, and tried to make plans to sleep over at Libby’s house that night. We failed, because we were too tired anyway. I showered and went to bed around 11:30 pm. Saturday,

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

I wrote this on Thanksgiving.
The family tradition of watching it turn to hell when I try to do something blog-related about it.


So If you don't know about NeverShoutNever let me give you the low down. They are from Joplin, Missouri, where a year or so ago a tornado wiped out the majority of the town. The local high school, Carmel High School, (which the lead singer Christofer Drew briefly attended) had a very good band. They were able to raise enough money to attend the Parade. I think Christofer would be proud :)


I was Happy to see Cobra Starship on one of the floats, but it cracked me up to see it because they aren't normally that Family- Oriented.


Neither is my family.
Just fucking kill me. forget I tried to post today.
Forget it.
I hate my life.
I cant do ANYTHING without getting criticized. I was expecting my brother to be on my side like he usually is, but he’s not. FUCK IT.
Im going to the desert now, after I cut.


“Why should I care?”

-          Losing My Grip, Avril Lavigne

Seeing Her

I wrote this about a week ago
Why can’t it be easier?

All I want for Christmas is a bottle of vodka and a night with Libby. And a puppy. And my two front teeth. Basically all I want for Christmas is for someone to know what I want for Christmas without me having to sing this damn song.

“So I’ll make sure to keep my distance
say “I love you” when you’re not listenin’”
-Distance, Christina Perri

Depressing.

I gained so much this weekend...
Fuck.
I can’t be around my family without hardcore bingeing. So I’m going to starve HARDCORE.
My brother gets into town tomorrow to be with our family for Thanksgiving. Man I fucking hate thanksgiving. I love my brother though. I miss him so much. He’s like my best friend, and I know who I am when I’m with him. He is the best rehab ever… I love him.
I don’t know why my ribs still hurt; the doctor says they’re completely healed.
I’m hungry
I’m tired
I’m cold
I’m never good enough for you.

I’m in history now. I don’t know why we even take this class. Its such a waste of time. I just want to sleep. I got like 16 or 17 minutes, during a video last period. I can’t understand why I keep living this way. I don’t know why I can’t love myself. I don’t understand what went wrong to make me this way. I don’t know why I’m so depressed. I don’t know why I can’t ask for help.

“I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”
-Pain, Three Days Grace

Dreading

I wrote this Friday night..

I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE. Libby. Babe. I’m crying so hard. Its 3:18 am right now. I need you. Come hereeee babe…
I don’t want to cut, but it’s bound to happen soon. I can’t escape… you’re usually my escape, and without you, what have I? Shadows of what used to be. Pretend families, pretend love. Pretend happiness. With you, I stop doubting. With you, I know.
I know love, I know lust. I know compassion, I know passion. I know pain, I know pleasure. I stop doubting everything.
As soon as were apart, reality, fuzziness, snaps back. I start to panic at the thought of opening doors again. I can’t look at the bottom of my cups. Organization. Alphabetizing. Shaking. Panic attacks. Cutting. These become my reality, my entire miserable existence. And once more…
I hyperventilate myself to sleep.

Fight the Power

So free dress day at school today.
Most people take this to look thier very best, seeing as NOone looks good in these uniforms.
Im wearing pajamas, and my hair is wet.
I didn't go as far as not wearing makeup, quite the contrary. I've got racoon eyes from all the eyeliner.

My grandma wants to take me out for lunch today. fuck. my. life.
The last thing my fatass needs is food.

So I dyed my hair. It was like a really wierd yellow-blonde, with about 2 inches of roots grown out. Now it is brown with lighter streaks in it, and some reddishness, and it's lovely.

So saturday is a big day. 3 months. thats half of half of a year. 1/4 of a year. BIG. FUCKING. DEAL. but what did I do? I got in trouble, so I'm leaving on Saturday for Phoenix, and won't return until late Sunday afternoon.

I hate myself. I want to die. I haven't seen Libby in so long..... if i have to wait until the weekend after this...
I've been cutting again. and i found another thing... see, there's these pills, lovely little blue things, that we used when i was in the hospital. thyroid pills. they make your heart go faster, and your metabolism go up and stuff. i started taking them... im losing weight super fast. :)

Libby, the next time you see me, I'll be 98 pounds. I promise.

I hate School.

The title says it all. School is evil. it must be stopped.

My stomach is growling hardcore right now. It and my brain are plotting against me, reminding me that i have a sandwich in my backpack, telling me i deserve it when i KNOW i don't. I hate myself today. I have cuts on my ribs and a hurt arm and a sore back and my neck is getting really bad and... :( i hurt all over.

I just want to see Libby.
My leg is asleep.

My schoolwork. Ugh. I am so ridiculously behind right now. I feel like I'm in one of those video games where the plates are falling and you try to catch them before they shatter, as soon as i run over here and have this side under control, the plates on the other side are shattering. As soon as i focus my attentions on one area, the rest of the areas all go to shit.
*sigh
I know this guy. He is sitting behind me right now. He used to be a good friend of mine. Now he is a total dick and calls me fat (which i am) and tells me all this shit and i can't fucking take it anymore.

So I made a promise that I would never use any substances again. Oops. I smoked weed this morning.

God hates me.

"I ain’t happy
But I'm feelin' glad
I've got sunshine
in a bag."
- Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz

OCD

 

You can't sit on a chair if it doesn't allow you to cross your legs or sit strangely. When you put ice in a drink, it has to have 8 ice cubes in it, four if it's a small cup. Never, EVER open a door yourself. Avoid LOOKING at doors at all costs. Car doors don't count. Exactly four pumps of soap every time you wash your hands. When chewing, chew each bite in even numbers. You know... 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, etc. Cut your food in half, and then half again (and again and again). Don't step on the sidewalk cracks. If you do, step on another with the opposite foot in the exact same place. Keep it even. If you're eating with a fork, don't let the food touch your lips. Only use a spoon when you ABSOLUTELY can't use a fork. Cross your legs and rhythmically tap your foot against your ankle bone. Count. Stack your books just so. And when it all starts to overwhelm you, hold yourself together, hug your own shoulders, and squeeze till it's over and your heart stops racing.

Love

So I'm trying to stop hating myself, but I cant. Every time I look in the mirror I want to die. I wish that I was strong enough to lose the weight, but I just can't. I'm such a fucking weakling, and I hate myself for it.
I don't even know why anyone talks to me. I'm such a failure. I'm a selfish bitch, I complain all the time, and I'm really depressing. Plus, I never follow through.
I've been flirting hardcore with Libby, making promises I cant keep. I am a Christian now, and as much as I seem unchanged, this is the one thing I won't sway on. No sex. I just can't do it right now. I'm not ready.
I kinda hate myself for saying that, but I'm not going to lie. All of my other morals have been compromised, at least I can keep my girl virginity.
I know that's going to put a damper on things at Libby's party, but I don't mind. I really just can't do it.
I don't know what to say.
I'm starting my 24 hour fast today. Yesterday I failed, but today I will succeed. If I don't think about how long I have to go, I could fast forever. I want to. I can't wait till I move out, so I won't have any food in my house and I'll just stop eating altogether.
Sometimes I hear about pro-ana people having to wear alot of layers and stuff because people around them are getting suspicious. I'm not skinny enough for people to be suspicious. They think fat people can't be anorexic. hah.


Libby, babe, I love you.
"I know your love is true
It's not just sex for you
It's the first time that I felt this way in a long time
And it's something I could get used to."
-Making Love, NeverShoutNever

Yuma Star

Libby sang so beautifully last night.


She thought she did horribly and she thought the only reason people clapped was out of sympathy.


bull.
She made me cry, and it wasn't even a sad song.
I hope I can go to Libby's party on Saturday. I have a 4-H Rabbit meeting from 430 to 6ish, and her party starts at 4. If it's a sleepover, I will be fine, but if not it will just be awkward. I am so exhausted right now. I pigged out yesterday/last night.
I'm not allowing myself any food today. 24 hour fast.
I feel so hugely disgusting. I want to go for a run.


I just want to sleep for a thousand years.

"Ain't seen or heard from you
I been missin' you crazy
How do you, how do you sleep?

Found the letter you wrote me
It still smells just like you
Man, those sweet memories
How do you, how do you sleep?
How do you sleep?"
-How Do You Sleep, Jesse McCartney

Happy Birthday Libby!

Happy Birthday Libby!

I love you so much baby I am really trying to go to lunch at your school today, have Kenzie show you the Voicemail on her Phone from me.

My dad is really mad at me, so I doubt I can go, but maybe I can still go to Yuma Star tonight? I hope so. I love you so much.

I have a test on a book I haven’t read in my next class period. I thought it was tomorrow. I’m going to fail…

I wish the guy who runs the school internet would do his fucking job. The internet is slower than ever today, on the day when I need it the most. All of the freshman at my school are gone today, on a retreat. That should make the internet faster, because less people are using it, but NOOOOOOOOO.

I also have a history test today. I hate my life sometimes when I’m not with Libby. When stuff sucks I just think about Halloween, and I smile J

Babe you’re so important to me, I’m working so hard to get to see you before this weekend, I don’t even know if I can see you this weekend…

I’m not letting myself think about that, because I don’t want to cry. My eyes hurt from crying last night.

I think I’m really dehydrated. Last night I woke up and was so extremely thirsty that I went downstairs and chugged a huge cup of water. I refilled it and added (8) ice cubes, but I passed back out before I could drink any more of it. Right now I am so thirsty, all I’ve had since taco bell Monday night is black coffee and 3 monsters. I had 2 monsters yesterday and one this morning.

I’m so tired of being so emotional all the time. I get too attached to things, and I just annoy people with my mood swings. Ah, the joys of being bipolar.

“You make me happy

Whether you know it or not

We should be happy

That’s what I’ve said from the start

I am so happy

Knowing you are the one that I want for the rest of my days

For the rest of my days

You’re all of my days

I’m happy knowing you are mine

The grass is greener on the other side

The more I think the more I wish

That we could lay here for hours and just

Reminisce

Uh ooh ooh.”

-Happy, NeverShoutNever