I wrote this Yesterday...
I don’t feel like posting, but I’m forcing myself. I’m having horrible mood swings right now, and I know why.
Yesterday my mood was so giddy and amazing that I ate so much, I felt so good about myself that I didn’t think it would hurt. It did.
Yesterday was perfect up until the point when my phone was stolen by a total bitch. I got it back today, and they suspended her. When she comes back, I’m dead. She’s gonna come back with a grudge like no other.
On the bright side, I didn’t eat lunch. I had some weight control oatmeal for breakfast, which was somewhere around 150 calories.
I’m going to start the ABC diet next week maybe… I think it will be muy difícil over Christmas break, but hopefully I can manage. I just want to be skinny. Please, God, make me skinny. Skinny skinny.
Pleasseeeee I want to be skinny.
I wanna be beautiful
So fuckin’ bad
Get the compliments I’ve never had.
I wanna be on the cover of
Vogue magazine
Smilin’ next to beckham and Lavigne
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my bones like shinin’ lights
A different diet every night
Oh I, I swear
The world better prepare
For when I’m lighter than air
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Amazing
Kenzie, if you don't want to hear this stuff, don't read it, 'cause I'm tired of catering to everyone else's feelings on my blog. I know that sounds harsh but Kenzie you know I'll always be your friend, and I am just fed up of being who everyone wants me to be.
Saturday night was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I have bruises on my neck, bruises on the front of my hips (and on the area in between them...), on my legs and arms, and my bottom lip is swollen. IM SO HAPPY. Libby and I talked through some painful issues in my life, like my anorexia, and stuff like that...
I mean, I'm not done... But at least now I make an attempt to be okay.
Libby and I are a lot closer now, I think. I tried to make her understand why I'm not ready, but she didn't really... Get it... whatever... I’ll make her see somehow...
I had oatmeal for breakfast J
I’m so ridiculously happy today. I feel like nothing could go wrong, nothing could bring me down from this high. Holy Mary Mother of God I’m in love.
If I ever had any doubts… well just look at me! my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, I have this little ache on my side where her hand was when we fell asleep.
Saturday night was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I have bruises on my neck, bruises on the front of my hips (and on the area in between them...), on my legs and arms, and my bottom lip is swollen. IM SO HAPPY. Libby and I talked through some painful issues in my life, like my anorexia, and stuff like that...
I mean, I'm not done... But at least now I make an attempt to be okay.
Libby and I are a lot closer now, I think. I tried to make her understand why I'm not ready, but she didn't really... Get it... whatever... I’ll make her see somehow...
I had oatmeal for breakfast J
I’m so ridiculously happy today. I feel like nothing could go wrong, nothing could bring me down from this high. Holy Mary Mother of God I’m in love.
If I ever had any doubts… well just look at me! my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, I have this little ache on my side where her hand was when we fell asleep.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Finals
I wrote this Friday
Finals
I FUCKING HATE FINALS.
They’re kicking my ass.
Speaking of my ass, it’s huge.
I was doing well, but I had an almost binge last night with Meaghan.
Panda Kids Meal
Fried rice: 530
Orange chicken: 420
Fortune cookie: 32
Chocolate Chunk Cookie: 160
Small Sonic Vanilla Malt: 500
Finals
I FUCKING HATE FINALS.
They’re kicking my ass.
Speaking of my ass, it’s huge.
I was doing well, but I had an almost binge last night with Meaghan.
Panda Kids Meal
Fried rice: 530
Orange chicken: 420
Fortune cookie: 32
Chocolate Chunk Cookie: 160
Small Sonic Vanilla Malt: 500
Thursday, December 8, 2011
People suck.
Do you know how nervous I am, my dad's twin brother (I've called him Uncle Daddy since forever) is coming to listen to me singing in German at Mass today. I’m going to be singing Silent Night. HELP!
I feel like I’m only losing weight on my stomach. My ribs don’t show on my chest, and they did last year. Also, my back doesn’t really look that bony. Other than my spine, nothin. A little bit of visible shoulder blade, that’s it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Just gotta keep plowing on. I hope I can be at least 98 by the time my brother gets home for Christmas, I wonder if he will notice the difference. Doubtful. I wish I had a good picture of me at the end of the summer, so I could compare it to now. The problem is, at SuperCamp, I got used to the whole “excited about food” attitude we had there, so I kept it almost the rest of the summer. Then, when summer was almost over, I had what is called a triggering moment. I tried to put on my black cutoff shorts, and I COULDN’T. I panicked. I didn’t really change though. I just became aware of my fatness.
I just sang. It went fine. I don’t know why I was overreacting. It went amazingly well.
Robert and I are going to have a conference with this idiotic teacher at my school. He continuously insists on singing in the mass choir even though he doesn’t know the songs and doesn’t attend practices. So today we had to stall for awhile because we were waiting for the Priest to arrive, so he decided to sing. Which is fine, its whatever, except the first song he sang was SILENT NIGHT. AND HE DIDN’T KNOW THE WORDS. Fuck my life.
So here is what were going to say, in a nutshell.
(Ha-ha imagine us sitting in a giant nutshell talking to him xD)
“So I understand that you tried to keep with the fact that we were singing Christmas songs this week, but understand, if you would EVER attend practice, you would have known that we had plans for Silent Night. Now, seeing as you are a teacher, we understand that it is necessary for you to be in your classroom from 3:00 pm to 3:40 pm, which, coincidentally, is when Mass Choir practices occur. Therefore, we regret to inform you, due to the problems you present to the efficiency of the mass, we will have to ask you not to participate any longer. We ask all of our Mass Choir members to follow these rules, and it is only fair that we ask you to comply as well.”
Or something like that.
I feel like I’m only losing weight on my stomach. My ribs don’t show on my chest, and they did last year. Also, my back doesn’t really look that bony. Other than my spine, nothin. A little bit of visible shoulder blade, that’s it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Just gotta keep plowing on. I hope I can be at least 98 by the time my brother gets home for Christmas, I wonder if he will notice the difference. Doubtful. I wish I had a good picture of me at the end of the summer, so I could compare it to now. The problem is, at SuperCamp, I got used to the whole “excited about food” attitude we had there, so I kept it almost the rest of the summer. Then, when summer was almost over, I had what is called a triggering moment. I tried to put on my black cutoff shorts, and I COULDN’T. I panicked. I didn’t really change though. I just became aware of my fatness.
I just sang. It went fine. I don’t know why I was overreacting. It went amazingly well.
Robert and I are going to have a conference with this idiotic teacher at my school. He continuously insists on singing in the mass choir even though he doesn’t know the songs and doesn’t attend practices. So today we had to stall for awhile because we were waiting for the Priest to arrive, so he decided to sing. Which is fine, its whatever, except the first song he sang was SILENT NIGHT. AND HE DIDN’T KNOW THE WORDS. Fuck my life.
So here is what were going to say, in a nutshell.
(Ha-ha imagine us sitting in a giant nutshell talking to him xD)
“So I understand that you tried to keep with the fact that we were singing Christmas songs this week, but understand, if you would EVER attend practice, you would have known that we had plans for Silent Night. Now, seeing as you are a teacher, we understand that it is necessary for you to be in your classroom from 3:00 pm to 3:40 pm, which, coincidentally, is when Mass Choir practices occur. Therefore, we regret to inform you, due to the problems you present to the efficiency of the mass, we will have to ask you not to participate any longer. We ask all of our Mass Choir members to follow these rules, and it is only fair that we ask you to comply as well.”
Or something like that.
Weight Loss
I wrote this yesterday.
How is this possible? I have lost eight pounds since November 28th. I hold and cup my hip bones with my hands when I lay down, I study my body in every mirror, I drool over my ribs, my spine, my collarbones. I fucking LOVE losing weight. I wish other people would notice it though. The only people who I think could actually tell that I’m skinnier are the people who haven’t seen me since mid-late summer.
Terrorists have killed 3000 Americans since 1990.
Abortionists have killed 4000 Americans since yesterday.
How is this possible? I have lost eight pounds since November 28th. I hold and cup my hip bones with my hands when I lay down, I study my body in every mirror, I drool over my ribs, my spine, my collarbones. I fucking LOVE losing weight. I wish other people would notice it though. The only people who I think could actually tell that I’m skinnier are the people who haven’t seen me since mid-late summer.
Terrorists have killed 3000 Americans since 1990.
Abortionists have killed 4000 Americans since yesterday.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Scattered
I just didn’t know what to say. I just feel like words cannot express these feelings. My voice is gone, and it just kills me. It kills. I sang in front of my entire youth group on Sunday night. Libby attended. Promptly afterward, my voice finished disappearing. It was on the way out, but now, well, I’m never gonna be a singer. And that’s okay, I guess. I can still be an author. I just wish that I could lose the weight I need to. I’m so fucking fat, and at the same time I look at myself and am happy every time I see more sharply defined ribs, when I’m able to grab my hip bones, when I can feel the hunger curling into my stomach. I am happy being anorexic. (God, that’s an ugly word)
I don’t want to let go of my dreams of being thinner, my dreams of being a singer, my dreams of being love, my dreams of having children.
But alas, I must.
I’m trying to be a better Christian, but its hard to wrap my head around someone loving me so much that they would die for me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand anyone loving me. I’m really down right now. I’m such a fake. I pretend to be anorexic, but I’m not even skinny. I lie to everyone; I act like I’m such a badass.
I should fucking die.
I don’t deserve all of the kindness shown to me; I don’t deserve all the compliments. I deserve every second of embarrassment, every second of sadness, of pain, hurt, and hatred towards me. Every ill will towards me, every snide comment, every bad grade, every smack and kick and punch, I deserve.
I deserve to die.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I don’t want to let go of my dreams of being thinner, my dreams of being a singer, my dreams of being love, my dreams of having children.
But alas, I must.
I’m trying to be a better Christian, but its hard to wrap my head around someone loving me so much that they would die for me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand anyone loving me. I’m really down right now. I’m such a fake. I pretend to be anorexic, but I’m not even skinny. I lie to everyone; I act like I’m such a badass.
I should fucking die.
I don’t deserve all of the kindness shown to me; I don’t deserve all the compliments. I deserve every second of embarrassment, every second of sadness, of pain, hurt, and hatred towards me. Every ill will towards me, every snide comment, every bad grade, every smack and kick and punch, I deserve.
I deserve to die.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
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