Insanity

I wrote this last night.

What is wrong with me? What did my parents do wrong to have me turn out this way? Am I such a masochist that now I won’t even let myself sleep?

I took a nap after school, for 2 hours. Seems like the only time I can really sleep is when the sun is up. As soon as the sun sets I am wide awake. I am going to steal food tonight, but instead of purging, so my throat can heal, I’m going to use laxatives. Really all I’m doing is shifting the injury to another area of my body, but I’ve given up caring. I know what I do is horrible, but I LOVE the results.

The Truth

I am not in love with Miles. I did not mean that one kiss was all it took to fall in love, one kiss was all it took for the guilt to kill me. The guilt I feel whenever I think about what Libby and I had, what I wasn’t ready for. My heart is too broken to love. You can’t love someone with your whole heart if you don’t have a functioning heart. My heart isn’t over my exes, how can I start over? I’m going to wait a very long time before trying anything again. Obviously Libby is never going to take me back, and I don’t expect anyone in Yuma will ever care about me. Maybe I’ll just die like I wanted.

I’m dropping so much weight lately it scares me. I mean of course I’m happy, but it shouldn’t be progressing this quickly. I’ve dropped six pounds since last week. How is that physically possible?

My purging is scary now, not only is there blood at the end, there is blood mixed in with it. I tried to subtly ask my mom about it. I said, “mom what would it mean if someone who coughs a lot started coughing up blood?”

She was very cool about it, and said, “do they smoke?”

I said, “maybe one cigarette a day.”

She said, “the lining on their throat is probably bleeding, they should stop smoking, drink lots of tea with honey, and use vicks”

So im not going to smoke cigarettes for the rest of the week and see how it goes.

Wish me luck at lunch, I have to pick up my ordered lunch, and then give it to someone else. I have to watch everyone else at my table eat.

I need all the luck I can get.

I Blog Alot

Talked to my parents about how I’m not learning anything at my piece of shit expensive ass school, and they actually (tried) to listen. Possible school switch in the future? I certainly hope so. Maybe I can go to Cibola, so I can work this whole Goddamn thing out with Libby. I fucking hate how things are between us.

Ate dinner and purged, I feel cleaner inside. At least I have the scale to look forward to tonight. And a new shiny razor! I’ll carve Libby and little hearts, just like last time, right over top of the last one, to deepen it. And I can sit and read and play gameboy (yeah, that gameboy. Not even gameboy color) and waste away the night hours. Maybe if I’m lucky, I can get a minute or two of sleep between nightmares. Whee.

Anyone willing to mail me some weed?

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
but I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

POOOOOOOOOOSTIN :p

And we post and we post and we post post post post.

Libby. I didn’t do anything with Miles. My heart isn’t ready for something as heavy as love. It hurts too much. Someday, but not yet. I still love you, but you deserve someone who can be more emotionally invested, and me, I just want a kid. :/

La la la. I wish I were at home taking laxatives and watching the Lion King.

Kill me?

Man, who’s dick do I have to suck to get some quality education?

Bliss (and confusion?)

I cut really deep last night. Not enough to die, but deep. I didn’t eat yesterday at all. Not a bite past my lips.

When I weighed in this morning, utter bliss.

Im going to kill myself slowly. Starvation, but I fuckin ate lunch. I purged till I saw blood and water.

Bliss. This aint dying. This is living.

Death

This post was supposed to update you, and let you know what went down all last week and this weekend.

Change of plans.

This might be the most triggering shit you'll ever read.

I want to fucking die. I want to cut until I see bone, and cut that open. I want to starve and starve and starve and starve until all my fucking hair falls out and everysinglefuckingbone shows and I cant walk and I cant breathe and I die.

I am a horrible human being. Rotten. I want to crawl into a cupboard and lock myself in with a bottle of Vodka and drink till I choke on my own vomit and die.

I hurt her. i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her i hurt her.
I deserve to die.
I cant believe I confided in that one friend, she gave someone my blog address that was the last person i wanted to read this.

I'm going to kill myself today after school.

kisskiss lovelove beperfect

Maaaajor Shit

So major shit went down this weekend.

Friday night I went to my high school football game with my bestie Kristin. We sat with a bunch of awesome people, walked around, and basically did anything other than watch the game. Then afterwards we went out on the field and were talking to people, and some of my best guy friends, who are all EXTREMELY hot, walked up and were flirting with us. They invited us to a party that night, but none of us could go. We exchanged numbers and parted our separate ways.

The next day I went to my ACT prep class (even though I already took the ACT once) and bombed the practice test. My friend/ tutor Meaghan came over and we half-assed a history study session for 2 and a half hours. My friend Katie from the night before came over and “helped” for the last half hour. Then Katie and I drove to Kristin’s house and got her and went to the public pool, even though we all have pools at our houses, because there are boys waiting at the pool.

We get all slutty and go, and meet Miles, Patrick, and Patrick’s little brother Erik. After awhile, we decide to leave and we go meet at Sonic. We don’t buy anything; we just make the decision to meet at my house. Russ pulls up at my house a bit later, and we are all on the trampoline jacking around. I was supposed to go to Lutes Casino for Robert’s birthday, but it was already almost over, so we all decide to go to Katie’s house and drink, and then go to the AWC game. When Kristin jumps off the tramp, she lands halfway on me, rolls her ankle, and falls. She is in pain at first, but then insists she is fine. Kristin Rides with Katie in her car, I ride with Miles, and Russ goes alone. Patrick and his brother go home.

When we arrive at Katie’s however, her brother soon comes home with his friend, and we all smoked. Then we decided to all go to Applebee’s, but when we pull up, all the girls in Miles’ car and all the boys with Russ, Miles says he has to go to the Chevron to take care of something. We all decide to go. On the way he explains that he has weed in his car he needs to get rid of, so he’s gonna sell it to some people for his friend. Translation: were going on a drug deal.

The drug deal was uneventful for the most part, even though it took forever. Kristin sat the whole time with her ankle up on the back of Miles’ headrest, and ended up looking flexible and seductive when she was just trying to keep her ankle elevated. The guys we were selling to wanted to fuck her. We made 50 bucks, and then went back to Applebee’s.

When we got there, I called my girlfriend, went into the bathroom, and dumped her. It needed to be done; she deserves someone who can be sure of their love for her, not someone with a broken heart. I had to do it. She won’t understand now, but maybe someday.

Anyway, then I went and sat at the table and tried to be happy. We then drove all around fucking kingdom come. Back to Katie’s house to chill in her room, and then home.

Sunday I slept in and did chores. Kristin told me she’s on crutches now, because she has a hairline fracture in her ankle. I felt like it was my fault, and I still do. That night, I went to CYC with miles. When he took me home, we held hands, and kissed. A peck once on the lips, was all it took.

God I’m a whore.

Symptoms?

So I don’t exactly know what to talk about today… last night my mom told me I have a muffin top and some other fat like love handles and thighs and stuff, so no food today. I want to try for all day. If I can make it all day, maybe I can lose a pound. I’ve been feeling extremely weak lately, as in it is a major effort to pick up my arm up. I don’t understand why I’m having so much trouble with this. Last year I weighed less and ate less than I do this year, but somehow I’m weak and almost fainting and not sleeping and freezing cold all the time. I don’t know how I’m getting all the anorexia symptoms so soon, I haven’t even lost that much weight, last year I weighed 98, and stayed stuck there for a really long time. This year I’m actually losing weight, but all I’m doing is the EXACT SAME THING I did last year. This doesn’t make sense. I did used to eat a lot at home, and only got really controlled at the end of the school year, and then during summer, as I’ve said before, I pigged out. This year I slammed back into the diet, and its taking a toll.

Yesterday I sat out in the courtyard with some friends at lunch, and it was nice. I was so tired… today I sat in the cafeteria with Stephen and his friends for lunch. I didn’t eat of course, but I found it amusing at least. I haven’t seen my “girlfriend” in forever. I think she hates me now, but who doesn’t?

Patrick gave me a ride home yesterday. We hung out in my house and talked. He tried to convince me to eat more. Hah. Not gonna happen.

“your only as tall
as your heart will let you be
and your only as small
 as the world will make you seem
and when the going gets rough
and you feel like you may fall
just look on the bright side
your roughly six feet tall”

-On the Brightside, NeverShoutNever

Problem

So yesterday was my grandma’s birthday, and we had a birthday party last night. I ate over 3,000 calories, because it was food from Olive Garden. Then my aunt brought out desserts from Kneaders. I ate a cannoli, because I had always wanted to try one. Then, I got a giant chocolate éclair. When I sat back down, the man sitting next to me, an elderly gentleman, one of my Grandma’s friends, said, “have you ever heard the saying ‘a moment on the lips, forever on the hips’ Morgan?” I tried to laugh and blow it off, and ate the éclair out of spite, to show that I paid no heed to his comment. That’s actually one of my favorite Thinspo quotes.
My friends would be proud; I didn’t purge or use laxatives or overexcercise.
I felt so guilty this morning, I ate two bites of oatmeal and flushed the rest down the toilet.
I keep sitting in the choir room for lunch. I just can’t bring myself to face the cafeteria. The cafeteria is a disgusting place, filled with overweight people gorging themselves. Then they sit and whine about their stomach hurting, or whatever else is bothering them that are obviously side effects of eating.
Plus, the temptation would be unbearable. I was much stronger last year, when I sat and refused any food. Now, sitting in the choir room with Sarah, she’s only one person, with only one little sandwich, and yet I can hardly handle it. If I was surrounded by people eating, I don’t think I could stand it.
I’ve forgotten all the excuses for not eating. I’m out of practice, and I don’t think I can get back into the swing of things any time soon. I hate the embarrassment of the cafeteria anyway. What if I can’t find them?
We have mass after this class, and I’m singing in the choir. I really should stop singing and get my throat looked at, but music is the only thing keeping me going right now, since I haven’t seen Patrick in almost a week, and I barely saw my girlfriend this weekend. I hang out with my friend Kristin a lot, but even then, I have my mask on. I don’t know if im going to ever open up. I did once, and it came back and bit me in the ass.
time to go to mass and stop thinking.

My girlfriend and I aren’t having an easy time of it. I’m really confused right now, because she was angry yesterday, and I don’t even know if we are still together. I think if it’s going to be this much drama… I don’t know. I don’t really have an opinion at this point. I just want to know what’s going on.

I’m losing weight. I’m doing really well. Sort of. I can see the difference on my stomach, and now I’ve got maybe a centimeter between my thighs. When I stand up straight, my stomach isn’t just thickness anymore. It’s just ribs, hip bones, abs, and empty spaces. I have too many bruises to count. I wish someone cared…

I think my ribs are broken.

They feel broken.

And my toe, I hurt it on the doorframe last night.

I miss my ex.

I’m going to cut when I get home. Not because anything sucks, or I’m sad, but because I need it. Believe it or not, even though I seem really depressed lately, I’m happy, because I started listening to a band lately, and I’ve fallen in love. Never Shout Never. I walk around singing their songs, and all I listen to at home is them. J

They make me happier.

My friend Stephen wants me to sit with him and his friends at lunch today, but if I sit there, I’m at risk for them to notice me not eating, and I’m also tempted to eat. It’s a lose lose situation. I don’t know what to do. I’m falling asleep just sitting here… I’m so tired all the time lately, and I can’t fall asleep anymore. I just want to go home and sleep.

And you could move on with your whole life
Just like you do
Just like you doo-do-do-doo-too
and you could make everything alright
and i want you too
‘Cause ever since the first dance all I thought about was lovin’ on you!