I am not in love with Miles. I did not mean that one kiss was all it took to fall in love, one kiss was all it took for the guilt to kill me. The guilt I feel whenever I think about what Libby and I had, what I wasn’t ready for. My heart is too broken to love. You can’t love someone with your whole heart if you don’t have a functioning heart. My heart isn’t over my exes, how can I start over? I’m going to wait a very long time before trying anything again. Obviously Libby is never going to take me back, and I don’t expect anyone in Yuma will ever care about me. Maybe I’ll just die like I wanted.
I’m dropping so much weight lately it scares me. I mean of course I’m happy, but it shouldn’t be progressing this quickly. I’ve dropped six pounds since last week. How is that physically possible?
My purging is scary now, not only is there blood at the end, there is blood mixed in with it. I tried to subtly ask my mom about it. I said, “mom what would it mean if someone who coughs a lot started coughing up blood?”
She was very cool about it, and said, “do they smoke?”
I said, “maybe one cigarette a day.”
She said, “the lining on their throat is probably bleeding, they should stop smoking, drink lots of tea with honey, and use vicks”
So im not going to smoke cigarettes for the rest of the week and see how it goes.
Wish me luck at lunch, I have to pick up my ordered lunch, and then give it to someone else. I have to watch everyone else at my table eat.
I need all the luck I can get.
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