Robert is so Cool :D

Our song is turning out really well. I’ve picked up about 99% of the harmony, just by listening to Robert sing. I was just singing in English, and when chase heard me, he said, “you seriously gotta do American Idol” and then Dalton, who I very strongly dislike, but he has a crush on me. Dalton said, “She wouldn’t win. She’d at least make it to Hollywood.” So I had about five seconds of feeling good before I got shot down. Can’t I ever enjoy a moment of feeling remotely good about myself?  I didn’t eat lunch today… Yay… my friend (you know what, I give up trying not to name names.) Robert. He’s the one I had the Eatspirational talk with. He was very disappointed in me. I didn’t really know what to do, because I knew I couldn’t eat today. But I really want to. I like the idea of having a binge day every Monday, but that makes me want it all the time. Sometimes, especially today, I just want to give up. I’m so hungry right now, and I can’t stop thinking about food. I want nothing more than to binge right now, but then I would have to purge, and I’m not letting myself do that anymore, because I lost so much blood the last time.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I just didn’t feel like writing. I still don’t, but I’m forcing myself to, for the sake of remembering. My girlfriend dumped me Sunday night. Well, she sort of dumped me. It’s more like we had to break up because her dad found out about us. She left her phone on the counter while she went running, and her dad read all her texts. He shared them with both her stepmom and her mom. Her dad said that if she kept being like that he would put her in a foster home. Her mom didn’t say this as harsh, but said that she needed to change or she wasn’t going to fight for her anymore. Her mom had been trying to get her out of her dad’s life for years, but my girlfriend still had to do the back and forth between houses.

Now, were trying to just be normal friends. How can I be “just friends” with someone I’ve slept with? We both still love each other.

I’ve been failing at the diet recently. There was pizza out at lunch yesterday, because Amanda’s mom brought it. I had two slices, and lemonade. And I had a lot of dinner. We went to the gym, where I worked on my abs, legs, and fatass. Then we went home and ate ice cream. Today I’ll do a lot better.

I was going to kill myself last night, but Patrick spent 2 hours with me after school, and made me promise I wouldn’t. And I told him I would never kill myself, but I know I won’t be able to keep that promise.

Cold

May 5, 2011
Thursday
10:17 am

I’m so cold all the time. I’m freezing. I hate this.

It’s even cold outside. In Yuma. Fuck global warming, its global cooling. How is it not snowing?

I just went and dry heaved for 20 minutes, after puking up all my (very little) water and coffee that had yet to go through my system. There was a lot of blood, and it was really scary. I don’t think I should purge anymore. I can’t really call it bingeing and purging, since I didn’t binge. Last night I ate 2 small slices of pizza, and 2 helpings of sweet potato fries.

And then I purged and took laxatives. I’m such a disappointment. Would it be so hard to just do what they tell me to? Would I still be me? Who am I and where is that and how why and when am I me? They don’t even know me. No one wants to hear that you’re still sick. They want to hear “I’m really trying, I’m recovering, and I’m getting better.” If you’re stuck in sick, you might as well stop wasting their time and just get dead. I promised my friend last night that I would try, and since he sits at my lunch table, I might have to eat. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I could pretend I didn’t bring a lunch, but I’m fairly sure I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich today, judging by the smell that wafted out when I got my water out of my bag. Whenever I have peanut butter banana I have to give it to Brieanna Molina, the 85 pound girl that my friend mentioned in our Eatspirational argument. Don’t get me wrong, brie eats. Brie eats a lot. But she has probably the fastest metabolism known to man, so she burns it all off so quickly she can’t keep meat on her bones. I want my bones on my chest visible. I want it to be obvious that I have a problem. I want to fucking starve. But it’s really difficult. I think that by my senior year I could be at 88, at this rate. By senior year. That gives me two years to get my life on track. I am faced with a huge problem, though. Summer. What the fuck am I supposed to do with fucking summer? I’m going to be with my family the entire fucking summer! If I gain it all back, I don’t know what I’ll do. I wish that just for once I could poof! My body to whatever skinniness I want. Boobs, gone, so that I have less problems ever being around boys. Make me barely eligible for a training bra, please. Then I would make all my bones completely visible. Skin stretched tight over bones, shining blue in the fluorescent light. Then I would grow my hair loooooooooong long long, longer than my knees. I would knit it into a dress, a living, growing dress, and wear that always. It wouldn’t be ugly, it would be beautiful, and whenever I wanted a new color, I could dye it. It would be really itchy, to bother the deep cuts on mu ribs. I would rise up into the air in my ballet slippers, wooden blocks hidden in the toes, pink ribbons sewn into my calves; magical. I wish I could have an ounce of privacy. Right now, Malachi is reading over my shoulder and its pissing me off. I want to die………….. I feel like I’m going to pass out. I wonder, if I did, would if finally be obvious that I have a problem?

Sorry (again)

I want to die. But my baby didn’t dump me, so I guess I can’t. Not yet. But as soon as she gets sick of me, I’m gone. I don’t even know if I’m actually in love with her, or if I’m just faking, or if I’m just scared of guys now because I’m still secretly in love with my ex. I’m not over it, and I don’t know if I ever will be.

*break*

How much weight can I afford to lose without dying? I don’t even know what I weigh right now, so I’m just measuring my weight loss by how fat I look, which is fatter and fatter every time I eat. It’s not a good judge, because I would say I have gained weight. I really, really, really need to weigh myself. I wonder if my parents would accept a “random” visit to my Grandma’s house. Or maybe Patrick can take me to Wal-Mart on Friday. But I seriously doubt Patrick would let me buy a scale, seeing as he knows all about Ana and me. I can’t wait until I get my license, because then I won’t have this problem.

Im being forced to eat dinner, even though I've repeated that I'm "feeling sick" and she still wont listen. so im going to binge on pizza, then purge till i see blood.

God, my girlfriend's so strong.... If i dont get to see her this weekend, I swear i will kill myself.

not literally. look. im so super sorry, to the 2 people who even know this blog exists. the rest of the world could care less.

I had an opposite of Thinspirational conversation with my 2nd best guy friend, who i also have a giant crush on. should i call it Eatspirational?

regardless, here it is.

Friend: my throat hurts.Report ·

Me: 6:39pmmine too hahahais it wierd that i miss you?:P.Report ·

Friend: 6:40pmnah i wish i was back at school just to be with my friends.Report ·

Me: 6:40pmi cant stand my house anymore. .Report ·

F: 6:40pmim sorry.

M: do you think i need help? like mentally?.Report ·

F: 6:40pmehh not really.Report ·

M: 6:41pmwhat if i told you everything? usually when i try to start telling you stuff, you just stop listening, stop caring, stop talking to me.
and it makes me sad that you dont care. and i want to tell you, because i want someone to know.....Report ·

F: 6:44pmi do care and i can already tell...its just i feel like you shouldnt be
talking to me about this stuff...im not a professional...
i woudlnt know what to say cuz i have not been through what ur going through so my advice wouldnt matter as much...
all i can say is that you have wonderful friends that will support you know matter what and you dont have to do what ur doing to yourself.Report ·

M: 6:45pmits like, in all the ridiculous crazy confusion that is my life,
i get lost and icant do anything to change it or make it better.
the eating thing is just so that i can at least have control over one part of my life.....Report ·

F: 6:47pmreally...you can eat as much as you want...you shouldnt starve yourself..you can eat regular sized meals just dont overeat.Report ·

M: 6:48pmbut... i have this goal... and even though i know that i probably wont be able to stop when i reach it,
i feel like maybe i will be a success if i can actually get there..Report ·

F: 6:49pmwhats ur goal...to starve yourself to nothing?.

M: 88... but i dont think ill ever be able to stop... or to think about food normally anymore..Report ·

F: 6:53pmthats killing yourself..........honestly your way to small...i could give a damn if Brianna fricken molina weighs fucking 85 thats still unhealthy...
your one of my bestfriends and i dont like to see you do this to yourself.Report ·

M: 6:54pm....honestly? i dont think i really like it either.... but i cant stop....Report ·

F: 6:55pmyes you can.....if you cant...
i will go to harsh measures to get the help you need...i dont care if its embarrasing to
talk about...youre to good of a person to do this to yourself.Report ·

M: 6:56pmharsh measures?.Report ·

F: 6:58pmi may just stop talking to you if you keep doing to yourself....
i'll only do it if it gets to the point where i just cant see you do this to yourself...
i may tell other people who may know what to do in this situation...so yaill do whatever i have to in order to help you.Report ·

M: 7:01pmif you stop talking to me.... i'll only feel more depressed. remember that day
when you said you were mad at me when i couldnt buy anything for lunch?
i cried so hard, because the last thing i want to do is dissappoint anyone, or make them mad at me....
i just dont know if i can ever look at food without counting the numbers...
i understand that you dont want to say something for fear of it being wrong, but please, dont stop talking to me completely.
i'll feel like you gave up on me....Report ·

F: 7:03pmi dont want to stop talking to you...dont think of food as things that make you fat...think of them as a source of life....you need food to live...i dont want to lose one of my best friends.

M: 7:05pmi try, but really the only thing that keeps me eating at all is that at my house if i dont eat my parents will put me in the hospital....Report ·

F: 7:05pmi dont blame them...they only do it for ur best interest.Report ·

M: 7:06pmyou should do that at school.maybe...but... hm...Report ·

F: 7:06pmdo what...make you eat...i cant make you do anything...anytime i try to give you food you always say no...and then you get all depressed.

M: 7:08pmbecause im so sad that i have to say no.
it makes me sad that i cant be normal and just sit there and eat like a normal person and laugh and have fun and not feel bad, but i dont remember how anymore..Report ·

F: 7:09pmjust eat...thats all i can say...i have to go.Report ·

M: 7:09pmokay... i love you, buddy. i promise i will try.

MY MOM IS A FUCKING BITCH. I HAVE TO GO NOW.

Today, Wednesday

May 4, 2011
Wednesday
9:15 am

Today is my ex best friend’s birthday. Yay. Tonight I’m being forced over to her house for her “birthday party.” I tell everyone she’s my ex best friend because my old bf cheated on me with her, but that’s a lie. The reason is, at church camp (how church-y) we were playing truth or dare with the rest of the kids that only went because the church had labeled us as “at risk.” someone dared us to make out, and said that we would get a dollar each for every minute we made out. We each got $20. I KNOW she liked it. I just know it. She’s such a homophobe that she told everyone she was just broke and needed the money.

I binged so hard yesterday, so I tried to purge. I haven’t purged in a long time, because the last time I did there was blood and I got really scared. There was blood this time too, but I’ve given up caring. I had to get rid of everything. I ate 2 helpings of dinner last night; it was a German food that I’m not even going to try to spell. (2 helpings= 469)

After my huge binge, we went to the gym. I drove there and back. As we were pulling into the parking lot, I started blacking out. I ran over a planter thingy. My mom got mad, but I just blamed it on the fact that her car is longer than my dad’s, and I’m used to driving my dad’s. I burned exactly 2000 calories. Then I drove home on an adrenaline high. Last night I did something I swore I would never do. I took laxatives. My stomach is so upset today, so I drank black coffee so I wouldn’t have more liquid inside me than food.

Some of my hair fell out today. It’s probably just because I dye my hair too much. And now I’ve got these teeny white hairs growing on my arms and tummy. Why am I turning into a furry monster? And I’m cold. All the time.

But enough of the complaining, I’m in history class again. I’m pretending I’m taking notes, which means I get to show off my amazing ability to type without looking at the screen? Behind me to my left a drug deal just occurred.  I fucking want some. Its weed and I haven’t had weed since 4:20. I have to shit so bad, fucking laxatives. This was a bad idea. I’m emailing my gf’s phone. She’s thinking about dumping me, because I mentioned that she makes me feel like shit sometimes. I told her I made a blog so I could vent some of my terrible feelings, and she just said “nice.” I asked her if she wanted the… url thing so she could read it, and she said “no, I’m good.” That made me feel like she doesn’t even fucking care about me. I told her that sometimes I think she hates me and then we started arguing. If I wasn’t in class I would cry. I feel like a fucking bitch. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Is it normal to want to die so very much all the time? Why can’t I just be normal? Did my mom drop me on my head when I was little? I hate myself so much. I screw everything up. I can never do anything right anymore. I wish I was dead. If I was dead, I couldn’t hurt my babygirl anymore. She could find someone else who didn’t make her feel bad, who didn’t depress her all the time. She would be better off. I mean sure, there would be a week, maybe two, where she would be sad, but it would be better in the long run… If I had my gun with me right now, I would do it. I would kill myself. I guess I will wait till I get home.

I guess this was my last post. Wow, this blog was as short lived as its author.

Tuesday

May 3, 2011
Tuesday
10:14 am

It’s my girlfriends’s birthday today. MY BABY IS FOURTEEN! I know, I know, she’s a lot younger than me. Don’t judge. I’m so excited for her party this weekend. Oh, this is gonna be aweeeeeeeeesome! :D

She might make me eat food though…:/

Yesterday was interesting, but I’m too lazy to type all that happened… ugh. I’m seriously exhausted. Not just like, y’know, my body, but my soul, my mind. Can you die of sleep deprivation?

Sometimes I wish I was a boy. Things would be a lot less complicated if I were a boy. I mean, sure, there would still be the age thing between my girlfriend and I, and I would be compared even more severely to my brother, but at least then some of the feelings I feel would be less confusing, like when I look at a girl and go, “hey, she’s cute.” But it would be weird because I would still look at guys as cute. Plus, guys don’t sing the way I do, and guys don’t like to wear cleavage-y shirts, or sometimes dress up, or lots of black eyeliner and funky eye shadow, or chick flicks, or Gerard Way, or Chase Crawford. Unless he’s bi, in which case singing, cleavage-y shirts, eye shadow, and chick flicks still wouldn’t apply. Probably.

I’m super depressed that I won’t get to see my girlfriend on her birthday. Doesn’t my life suck? Plus, I’m in chemistry. I DON’T GET CHEMISTRY! FUCK! This bullshit is PISSING me OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH. SORRY. I’m fine.

Lunch:

I caved, okay? I fucking caved. Today was a fail whale in the terms of dieting.

1 Pb&j sandwich= 146

1 ½ rolled tacos= 142

Monday

I’ve decided to wear more black.

At Champion Youth Culture (CYC), my church youth group, last night, I wore my black “Life’s not short, it’s just that you’re dead for so long” shirt, my black plaid ripped supertight jeans, my black Wal-Mart knockoffs, my black Hard Rock Cafe hoodie, and super heavy black eyeliner with grey eye shadow. I wish I could get a hold of some really good brushes; I would brush black into the hollows on my cheeks, to make my face look thinner.

I got my permit on Friday. Spent Saturday at Saturday school, Mr. DeDecker said it was too windy to work outside, so we sat in his room and “did homework.” Afterward, my dad grabbed my permit from the house and we went driving in the old Kmart parking lot, and then drove up 32^nd, over on Pacific, and then up to Yuma Marine. We looked at boats, and then dad drove over to this dirt road place. We switched and I drove for a long time, about a block away from any paved roads, next to train tracks. We sat and watched a 125 car train go by, and then drove to the jack-in-the-box for brunch. I ate a lot, but it was about noon, and the first thing I had eaten all weekend, so it was okay. I then drove home. That night I drove to Mrs. Hall’s house to drop off my 4-H notebook. My parents let me sleep in and miss church on Sunday. Then I drove out to the horse stables and went on a trail ride on my babygirl, Apparoe. Appy rode beautifully. April went along with me on her horse, Tempest. Tempest is a skittish, silly cute thing, and was deathly afraid of the water tank. She wouldn’t let us pass it. I drove back home, and then did all my chores. I drove to CYC, and got to give my information to the band people so that I can start singing with them, onstage.

Sorry

Sorry I'm just too damn tired to write everyday. I pigged out last night.
I'm so stupid... ugh.
And I forgot to call my girlfriend, because my dad made me sleep outside for the second night in a row.
Don't get me wrong, I probably deserved it. I don't know what I did this time, but it was probably horrible for him to hit me like that....

Heres a poem I wrote yesterday:

To the little gremlins that switched off my alarm;
I will hunt you down like:

·         the tiger stalks his prey

·         the vampire seeks shade in the day

·         the nun seeks time to pray (for)

·         the boy that hunts words to say

·         the abusive father hunts boy to flay

·         the bruised boy seeks someone with which to play

·         the other children seek to get away

·         the bruised boy’s mother hunts money to pay

·         the tax collector seeking money at her door today

·         CPS hunts her boy and takes it away

·         Finding the boy a new place to stay

·         One where the boy has 3 square meals a day

·         And doesn’t have to worry about falling prey

·         To an abusive father who loves to flay

·         To a poor, poor mother who cannot pay

·         To the other children with nasty words to say

·         For a single friend who would want to play

·         With the poor bruised child who can’t get away

·         CPS never came for her that day

·         They were with the boy they got away

·         There was no nun that for her would pray

·         There was no mother trying to pay

·         There was just simply no other way

·         She had to end her life that day

·         For fear of her daddy’s radioactive decay

·         She never knew she could get away

·         Couldn’t call CPSA

·         So now she rots in the charcoal gray

·         Pretty coffin box, no more words to say

·         Her pretty hands that will never play

·         Her tiny heart that will no longer spray

·         The lifeblood I chose to spill out today.

yeah, ive got issues.
*sigh*
So today is friday, but I'm not excited, because I have to go to the DMV today for my second attempt at my permit. I'm sixteen, and I don't even have my fucking permit yet.
God my brain is too fried to type today. I can no longer find anything productive to write about.
Why would I ever think that anything I have to say is important?

Random idea I came up with while eating a salad.
What if there was a videogame where you could navigate through the vascular system of a plant? Not only would it get this generation more interested in science, but it would be pretty damn neat to whoosh through a giant green waterslide- type thing.

anywho. So like I mentioned earlier, I have a girlfriend. No, I'm not a lesbian, I'm Bi.
She is the first girl I've ever dated. I love her so much...
Today is "school spirit day"
Our mascot is the Shamrock. How terrifying.
I'm wearing one of my older brother's class of 2008 T-shirts and a pair of 00 Roxy skinnyjeans, ash grey. and my new black walmart knockoffs. I'm fucking bored....
Last night's dinner:
2 ounces of salad= 15
1 ounce of ranch= 23
3 slabs of tri tip= 427
1/2 cup beans= 34
1 bowl of cobbler, combo of cherry, peach, and blueberry, with vanilla ice cream on top= 2673
3172= dinner binge.
 thats more calories than the average person is supposed to have in a day. I'm SUCH. A FUCKING. FAILURE.
*break* so its now like almost time for school to end, we have early release on Fridays.
its 11:23. I can't stop looking at Sarah Cummings' chest. Not like that, but above her... y'know. you can see her ribs on her chest. i mean, she has smaller boobs than me, she's probably barely a bcup, but still. its not fair. she doesnt even try, its just that she's in dance. And Angela DeDecker is tiny too, but she's wearing her t-shirt, so I dont know if her ribs are visible on her chest.
I'm ninety fucking eight pounds, but im still fatter than everyone here.
SIDENOTE:
Chemistry teacher did a test to see if anyone is psycotic.
"a girl went to a funeral, and then at the reception, met a man who she fell head over heels in love with. They did not get to exchange information before parting ways. Two days later, the girls sister was murdered. What happened?"
I'm gonna let you think on that one.