I want to die. But my baby didn’t dump me, so I guess I can’t. Not yet. But as soon as she gets sick of me, I’m gone. I don’t even know if I’m actually in love with her, or if I’m just faking, or if I’m just scared of guys now because I’m still secretly in love with my ex. I’m not over it, and I don’t know if I ever will be.
*break*
How much weight can I afford to lose without dying? I don’t even know what I weigh right now, so I’m just measuring my weight loss by how fat I look, which is fatter and fatter every time I eat. It’s not a good judge, because I would say I have gained weight. I really, really, really need to weigh myself. I wonder if my parents would accept a “random” visit to my Grandma’s house. Or maybe Patrick can take me to Wal-Mart on Friday. But I seriously doubt Patrick would let me buy a scale, seeing as he knows all about Ana and me. I can’t wait until I get my license, because then I won’t have this problem.
Im being forced to eat dinner, even though I've repeated that I'm "feeling sick" and she still wont listen. so im going to binge on pizza, then purge till i see blood.
God, my girlfriend's so strong.... If i dont get to see her this weekend, I swear i will kill myself.
not literally. look. im so super sorry, to the 2 people who even know this blog exists. the rest of the world could care less.
I had an opposite of Thinspirational conversation with my 2nd best guy friend, who i also have a giant crush on. should i call it Eatspirational?
regardless, here it is.
Friend: my throat hurts.Report ·
Me: 6:39pmmine too hahahais it wierd that i miss you?:P.Report ·
Friend: 6:40pmnah i wish i was back at school just to be with my friends.Report ·
Me: 6:40pmi cant stand my house anymore. .Report ·
F: 6:40pmim sorry.
M: do you think i need help? like mentally?.Report ·
F: 6:40pmehh not really.Report ·
M: 6:41pmwhat if i told you everything? usually when i try to start telling you stuff, you just stop listening, stop caring, stop talking to me.
and it makes me sad that you dont care. and i want to tell you, because i want someone to know.....Report ·
and it makes me sad that you dont care. and i want to tell you, because i want someone to know.....Report ·
F: 6:44pmi do care and i can already tell...its just i feel like you shouldnt be
talking to me about this stuff...im not a professional...
i woudlnt know what to say cuz i have not been through what ur going through so my advice wouldnt matter as much...
all i can say is that you have wonderful friends that will support you know matter what and you dont have to do what ur doing to yourself.Report ·
talking to me about this stuff...im not a professional...
i woudlnt know what to say cuz i have not been through what ur going through so my advice wouldnt matter as much...
all i can say is that you have wonderful friends that will support you know matter what and you dont have to do what ur doing to yourself.Report ·
M: 6:45pmits like, in all the ridiculous crazy confusion that is my life,
i get lost and icant do anything to change it or make it better.
the eating thing is just so that i can at least have control over one part of my life.....Report ·
i get lost and icant do anything to change it or make it better.
the eating thing is just so that i can at least have control over one part of my life.....Report ·
F: 6:47pmreally...you can eat as much as you want...you shouldnt starve yourself..you can eat regular sized meals just dont overeat.Report ·
M: 6:48pmbut... i have this goal... and even though i know that i probably wont be able to stop when i reach it,
i feel like maybe i will be a success if i can actually get there..Report ·
i feel like maybe i will be a success if i can actually get there..Report ·
F: 6:49pmwhats ur goal...to starve yourself to nothing?.
M: 88... but i dont think ill ever be able to stop... or to think about food normally anymore..Report ·
F: 6:53pmthats killing yourself..........honestly your way to small...i could give a damn if Brianna fricken molina weighs fucking 85 thats still unhealthy...
your one of my bestfriends and i dont like to see you do this to yourself.Report ·
your one of my bestfriends and i dont like to see you do this to yourself.Report ·
M: 6:54pm....honestly? i dont think i really like it either.... but i cant stop....Report ·
F: 6:55pmyes you can.....if you cant...
i will go to harsh measures to get the help you need...i dont care if its embarrasing to
talk about...youre to good of a person to do this to yourself.Report ·
i will go to harsh measures to get the help you need...i dont care if its embarrasing to
talk about...youre to good of a person to do this to yourself.Report ·
M: 6:56pmharsh measures?.Report ·
F: 6:58pmi may just stop talking to you if you keep doing to yourself....
i'll only do it if it gets to the point where i just cant see you do this to yourself...
i may tell other people who may know what to do in this situation...so yaill do whatever i have to in order to help you.Report ·
i'll only do it if it gets to the point where i just cant see you do this to yourself...
i may tell other people who may know what to do in this situation...so yaill do whatever i have to in order to help you.Report ·
M: 7:01pmif you stop talking to me.... i'll only feel more depressed. remember that day
when you said you were mad at me when i couldnt buy anything for lunch?
i cried so hard, because the last thing i want to do is dissappoint anyone, or make them mad at me....
i just dont know if i can ever look at food without counting the numbers...
i understand that you dont want to say something for fear of it being wrong, but please, dont stop talking to me completely.
i'll feel like you gave up on me....Report ·
when you said you were mad at me when i couldnt buy anything for lunch?
i cried so hard, because the last thing i want to do is dissappoint anyone, or make them mad at me....
i just dont know if i can ever look at food without counting the numbers...
i understand that you dont want to say something for fear of it being wrong, but please, dont stop talking to me completely.
i'll feel like you gave up on me....Report ·
F: 7:03pmi dont want to stop talking to you...dont think of food as things that make you fat...think of them as a source of life....you need food to live...i dont want to lose one of my best friends.
M: 7:05pmi try, but really the only thing that keeps me eating at all is that at my house if i dont eat my parents will put me in the hospital....Report ·
F: 7:05pmi dont blame them...they only do it for ur best interest.Report ·
M: 7:06pmyou should do that at school.maybe...but... hm...Report ·
F: 7:06pmdo what...make you eat...i cant make you do anything...anytime i try to give you food you always say no...and then you get all depressed.
M: 7:08pmbecause im so sad that i have to say no.
it makes me sad that i cant be normal and just sit there and eat like a normal person and laugh and have fun and not feel bad, but i dont remember how anymore..Report ·
it makes me sad that i cant be normal and just sit there and eat like a normal person and laugh and have fun and not feel bad, but i dont remember how anymore..Report ·
F: 7:09pmjust eat...thats all i can say...i have to go.Report ·
M: 7:09pmokay... i love you, buddy. i promise i will try.
MY MOM IS A FUCKING BITCH. I HAVE TO GO NOW.
I love you, don't ever forget that.
ReplyDeletei love you too, Kenzie.
ReplyDeletei just feel like sometimes people are so ignorant. if anyone at my lunch table, besides my friend, even paid the tiniest bit of attention, they would see that it's OBVIOUS that Ana is a huge part of my life.