Today, Wednesday

May 4, 2011
Wednesday
9:15 am

Today is my ex best friend’s birthday. Yay. Tonight I’m being forced over to her house for her “birthday party.” I tell everyone she’s my ex best friend because my old bf cheated on me with her, but that’s a lie. The reason is, at church camp (how church-y) we were playing truth or dare with the rest of the kids that only went because the church had labeled us as “at risk.” someone dared us to make out, and said that we would get a dollar each for every minute we made out. We each got $20. I KNOW she liked it. I just know it. She’s such a homophobe that she told everyone she was just broke and needed the money.

I binged so hard yesterday, so I tried to purge. I haven’t purged in a long time, because the last time I did there was blood and I got really scared. There was blood this time too, but I’ve given up caring. I had to get rid of everything. I ate 2 helpings of dinner last night; it was a German food that I’m not even going to try to spell. (2 helpings= 469)

After my huge binge, we went to the gym. I drove there and back. As we were pulling into the parking lot, I started blacking out. I ran over a planter thingy. My mom got mad, but I just blamed it on the fact that her car is longer than my dad’s, and I’m used to driving my dad’s. I burned exactly 2000 calories. Then I drove home on an adrenaline high. Last night I did something I swore I would never do. I took laxatives. My stomach is so upset today, so I drank black coffee so I wouldn’t have more liquid inside me than food.

Some of my hair fell out today. It’s probably just because I dye my hair too much. And now I’ve got these teeny white hairs growing on my arms and tummy. Why am I turning into a furry monster? And I’m cold. All the time.

But enough of the complaining, I’m in history class again. I’m pretending I’m taking notes, which means I get to show off my amazing ability to type without looking at the screen? Behind me to my left a drug deal just occurred.  I fucking want some. Its weed and I haven’t had weed since 4:20. I have to shit so bad, fucking laxatives. This was a bad idea. I’m emailing my gf’s phone. She’s thinking about dumping me, because I mentioned that she makes me feel like shit sometimes. I told her I made a blog so I could vent some of my terrible feelings, and she just said “nice.” I asked her if she wanted the… url thing so she could read it, and she said “no, I’m good.” That made me feel like she doesn’t even fucking care about me. I told her that sometimes I think she hates me and then we started arguing. If I wasn’t in class I would cry. I feel like a fucking bitch. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Is it normal to want to die so very much all the time? Why can’t I just be normal? Did my mom drop me on my head when I was little? I hate myself so much. I screw everything up. I can never do anything right anymore. I wish I was dead. If I was dead, I couldn’t hurt my babygirl anymore. She could find someone else who didn’t make her feel bad, who didn’t depress her all the time. She would be better off. I mean sure, there would be a week, maybe two, where she would be sad, but it would be better in the long run… If I had my gun with me right now, I would do it. I would kill myself. I guess I will wait till I get home.

I guess this was my last post. Wow, this blog was as short lived as its author.