Halloween Fuck YES!

I FUCKING LOVE HALLOWEEN!

I know the candy is a major temptation, but I think I'm going to be fine. I GET TO SEE LIBBY! Is it weird that I'm nervous?
I'm extremely nervous to see her. This weird feeling is in my stomach, like before I go onstage.

I don't even know what to type I feel like I'm going to get my hopes up and then get them crushed...

BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT BE EXCITED, ITS FUCKING HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to the DMV today to get my license. fuck yes. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I didn't take my ADHD medicine today, obviously.

HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN!

Poems of an Insomniac

I don't deserve anything.
I am a low down, dirty rotten, filthy whore.
I am fat.
I am worthless.
I am lost.
I am worth something to some people.
I am only a few pounds away from my goal.
I am in a committed relationship.
I deserve everything I get.

I love Libby Elaina Johnson.
I hate my nose.
I love my eyes.
I hate my toes.
I miss my brother.
I won't miss this town.
I miss my grandpa.
I don't miss his frown.
I want to be happy.
I don't want to be sad.
I want my daddy to love me.
Is that so bad?

Sleep evades my poisoned mind
Like wind scattering leaves
I walk these abandoned streets trying to find
A house without blood dripping off of the eaves
Each household
will hold
a secret of darkness and damp and decay
to keep them from seeming socially corrupt
a truth that shall never see the light of day
causing their children to just give up.

The world is finally spinning
In the right direction
No longer do I need to glance over my shoulder
I finally can smile and no longer need tears
Everything feels right for once
I swear I can't stop this contagious smile
From overtaking me
I love the elated emotion that courses through my veins
I am finally happy
Finally happy
And you know it's because of her
She's the best thing that could happen to me
I just smile and smile and smile
I can't stop
Why should I?
My life has taken a turn for the better
I couldn't be happier.

Music blasting
Tunes swirling around me
Drunk on words and ecstasy
I stand surrounded by these screaming mute words
And my ears have gone deaf
They couldn´t stand hearing
Seeing
Feeling
What we´ve become




Taste my flesh
Come on then
It´s what you´re here for
Don´t you think I see it in your eyes?
How the greed is glowing green
Tear my clothes off
My mind has already shut down
No need for respect
Bite my tongue, cut me open
Hit me, dissect me,
I´m already dead
It doesn´t matter any longer



Fire trembling up my spine
Like your fingers touching my chest
It still scolds
Even if am stone cold
Dead and gone
I can still feel
the fire
I can still hear
Untrue words
You´re casting, cursing, shouting
Crawling into my ears
Even though I can no longer hear



Bone pipes
That will crack
Bloodstains
That I can´t erase
Tunes still overwhelming
They try to warn
Try to make me scream
But my lips won´t open
It´s too late
This is the final battle and the final disgrace
Where I will lose and they win



Holds me
Just another fight cracking my bone
Loves me
Just another light blown out by you
So I won´t see the evil deed you will do
Hugs me
Just another evil word slapped into my face
Affects me
Just another touch
That drives me to the edge of my last sanity
Kisses me
Just another ignored cry in the end of the night
Rape me then
If it what you all so dearly wish to do
But never again
Tell me you love me
There I draw the line



You tear me apart like a saw
Through my skin erasing your crime
Reaching for my vein
Clutching at the sight of muscle and tendons
You´ve reached the bone marrow
It´s seeping through
So slowly reaching the floor
As my body smashing into filth and dirt
Taking one last dirty inhale and I can feel how it all just crashes
How my eyes have stopped searching for a way out
How my brain has stopped thinking that it´s what I deserve
And my hands doesn´t shiver anymore
Are you sure am still alive?



Tunes dancing all around
Their feet hits a chin covered in saliva and blood
They stop and take a glance on what´s below
Pretty marble eyes staring stiff at a dirty bag
Ugly ribs covered in new slashes
Beautiful sharp black nails with white cracks in them
Fake silver chain have been ripped apart
White powder staining the emaciated body
They stare in wonder for a moment
Just before they keep on dancing
And start singing the song
About the child whose childhood you stole
And therefore it didn´t know
That it´s common sense
To not accept
Sweet candy hearts from a stranger

my head itches.
this isnt a poem, bitches :P

on top of old SMOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEE all covered with jizz.......... yeah i dont know. my laptop is bein wonky.
if i open a restaurant, ill call it FuckMyself. So people can be all "where you going?" "oh, im going down the road to FuckMyself"

I'm so fucking tired.
All I want to do is sleep, and all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth and a big bowl of Libby.

I sound like I'm high. (I am. high as a kite)

Smokin' Peace, its what failures like me do on a Sunday night when they are losing one of their best friends to the Marines. :(

I hardcore binged today, which is bad since tomorrow (technically today) is halloween, where there will be thousands of temptations. but honestly, candy sounds disgusting right now. all I really want is water. I cant remember the last time I drank water. All I've had the past week is soda and energy drinks. and tea.

Peace, Love, Herb

"I need some sleep,
tomorrow I have things to do.
But everytime I close my eyes I see your face
so I try to read
but all I do is lose my place"
- Obsessed, Miley Cyrus

Music

Elias Wiley, my buddy who is in Yuma Star is randomly singing Someone Like You by Adele and he turned to ask my opinion and I was crying. Im still… oh fuck I hate crying in public.

Then he sang his Yuma Star song, Who You Are by Jessie J. Man I hate crying.

Libby, come here. No one will look at me. No one is helping. I hate crying. Libby, if I was crying in front of you, you’d help me right?

HAIR

Lame-ass title, right?

I think I really need to change my hair. #1, my roots are grown out SO far, it looks trashy. #2, I’ve had the same haircut since 7^th grade. #3, I’m getting bored of plain blonde. I’ve got an idea though, but it will take some work.

Libby for some reason my computer won’t let me comment on any blogs, not even my own, so I just want to let you know, I care, I wish you could call me so I can help you with the song thing. You probably sound fine and are just stressing. I read your blog, wish you would post more often and email me. I love you to itty bitty teeny tiny little fuckable pieces. I’m glad your mom doesn’t hate me. My mom will say yes as long as I get my shit together. Were singing Just a Kiss in choir and I can’t help thinking of you.
My voice is almost completely gone. L
I’ll keep singing just for you, even if it sounds horrible, and you’re begging me to stop.

“Lyin’ here with you so close to me
It’s hard to fight these feelin’s when it feels so hard to breathe
I’m caught up in this moment
I’m caught up in your smile”

Now were singing Lucky by Colbie Callait and Jason Mraz

“Lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin’ home again
Lucky were in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday
Though the breezes
Through the trees
Move so pretty
You’re all I see
As the world keeps
Spinnin’ round
You hold me right here right now”

Man I miss the hell out of you. Come here. I had this dream last night that I had a twin sister that no one except me knew about and she was like hardcore making out with Kristin’s brother, and Katie (Waterford) saw and thought it was me and went to tell you and you thought I was cheating and I woke up with my pillow soaking wet with tears, and freezing cold.

Surreal (from Thursday. I really gotta start posting these on the right days)

I feel like today is almost like a fake, strange version of a normal day.


When I woke up this morning, it was freezing cold. Literally. I could see my breath. I didn’t get up for quite some time. When I finally awoke I made a deal with myself that I would hurriedly get ready and then curl back up in bed. I didn’t put on any makeup, brushed my teeth, put in my retainer, put on a bra and underwear, my uniform shirt, and the shorts that go under my skirt. I ran back and brushed my hair, then curled back up in my bed, with flannel sheets, a fleece and extremely warm furry-ish blanket, and my comforter on top of me. I also was snuggling under the covers with my Hippo, and a heating pad on high. Freezing.


I forced myself out of bed at 7:40, put on my skirt and sweatshirt, got my stuff together, put socks and shoes on, and went downstairs, calling for my dad to come down. My mom told me she forgot to pack me a lunch, and I said I had money. My dad let me drive to school today, and I think I did really well. I don’t know what it is about driving with my mom that causes me to make so many mistakes. I rarely mess up when I’m with my dad. Anyways, we got to school, joked our way through prayer, I did my English homework during physics (therefore falling FARTHER behind in physics, but oh well), went to English, aced the test, went to weight training, impressed everyone with my limbo skills, went to Morality, kept my mouth shut, went to Choir, sang till my throat hurt (which lately takes about 2 notes…), went to lunch, I love my table. Now I’m in history, were we never actually do anything, and then get tested on it. After this is Algebra, where I am so lost and behind I don’t think I will ever pull through. I’ve lost my $80 calculator, so I’m going to fail.


My hands feel numb, and everything today feels…. Like a slightly warped version of what it should be. The pain of hunger and cramps in my stomach, mixed with my rib, are almost too much. Even now, my head feels swirled inside, like someone just stirred it with a mixing spoon.


I have no idea how much I weigh, I hate weighing myself, or looking at myself, while Tom is in town. I look fatter. It’s disgusting. As soon as my rib heals, I’m going to celebrate by doing sit-ups until I puke.


“Nothing is real,
I know this ‘cause I made a deal
with the devil. he told me that I
was just wasting my time
on the moon.”
-Time Travel, NeverShoutNever

Ouch (from Wednesday)

When they say everything hurts with a broken rib, they don’t lie. Tom just came in town (T.O.M. = time of month), and holy crap. I don’t know if these are just super bad cramps or if they are related to the rib thing.
Today has been a good day; I’m on a fasting high. I love it J fasting highs are the best. My last Behind the Wheel thing is today, and then Mr. Anderson gives me the papers, I take them to the DMV on Monday, and WHAM! FREEDOM. Ha-ha wow I’m immature. I want to be a SUPASTARR! Don’t ask.


I think I’m an Egyptian goddess. The goddess of ugliness. No wait; it was the Greeks who had gods and goddesses for everything. Ha-ha I kept typing dogs and doggesses. I’m so dyslexic. My hands hurt. Am I giving myself arthritis because I crack my knuckles a lot? They hurt really badly. L


I feel like I have my hopes for this weekend and Halloween up so high, I’m going to get really disappointed. I don’t even have a costume. I have to work on my grades, but I keep blogging ha-ha. Here is my list of things I need to get done before any fun can happen:

1.    Clean your room. Seriously. I don’t care if it’s your OCD organized mess, it looks like shit and you trip a lot.

2.    Get rid of the drowning feeling in your brain whenever you think about school. Go visit each teacher individually and WRITE DOWN what you need to do. AND ACTUALLY GET IT ALL DONE. You bring this shit upon yourself.

1.    History= Mr. Dedecker

2.    Physics= Mr. Coffeen

3.    Algebra 2= Mr. Anderson

4.    AP English= Mr. Mork

5.    Morality= Dr. Butta

6.    Choir= Mr. Arviso

7.    Weight Training= Mr. Frayzeen

3.    Stop fighting with your parents. We get it, they’re wrong and stupid. Pretend they aren’t. You’re an actress, remember? Act.

4.    Be responsible. Either get your mom to tell Libby’s mom that she had it all wrong (yeah, like the bitch will admit she was wrong) or steal her phone and text Libby’s mom saying the same thing.

5.    Prove you are a good enough daughter to get the texting back on your phone (right now I can only text mom, dad, grandpa, and brother) by keeping this list up EVERY WEEK.

6.    On a personal note, lose weight. You have to fit into a costume (if you get on top of your shit and buy one) by Monday, so hurry that shit up.

I want to print this out or something so I know what to do. I know myself, and I will forget. Ill like copy/paste it on another thing, erase the cusswords, print like twelve of them, and put them everywhere.


I have this antsy feeling. I can’t identify it. It makes me keep popping my ears and stuff. It’s like I have to pee, but I don’t. It’s this fuzzy, prickly feeling in my brain that I usually accredit to ADHD. It makes it really difficult for me to focus. My arms and legs have it too, I have to keep moving. I hate this. I hate being ADHD and having to take medicine to make me normal. I hate not being able to complete simple tasks like homework, just because I can’t look at a piece of paper for more than a few seconds. The doctor we go to says I have the most advanced case of ADHD she’s ever seen, and she’s been an ADHD specialist around the country for 50 years. Along with my ADHD comes a lot of other issues. I have OCD, which is partly caused by ADHD people’s tendency to hyperfocus on things. I am bipolar, for reasons unknown, as well as partially dyslexic and anger management. Basically, I should be an idiot. But I took this test with the ADHD lady and scored total off the hook genius… confusing, right?

Happiness

Last night I had behind the wheel driving with Mr. Anderson. I almost fell asleep, because he wanted to practice freeway driving, which is the most sleep inducing thing ever, on TOP of my extreme exhaustion. When I got home, I immediately went to sleep at 6:30 and didn’t wake up until 7am this morning. I feel so rested.
Plus, since I was asleep, I didn’t eat dinner last night, which means other than the 3 grapes from this morning, I haven’t eaten since Sunday night J
I’m so proud of myself.
My stomach keeps making noises and I don’t know how to shut it up. I finally understand that “fasting high” that so many ED girls talk about. This is amazing. So much better than weed or sugar or anything. For lunch I allowed myself to have a fruit punch, because I would need some sustenance. Maybe if I go to sleep early again tonight, I can avoid dinner a SECOND time.
Ive never been proud of myself (other than singing and acting), so this feels really good.
If only libby were here.


By the way, even though it seems that I am preaching the wonders of anorexia, but really, don’t start. Ever. Its an unhealthy mindset of self hatred. I don’t recommend it.

Thinking (from Monday morning)

Thinking
Who would I be if I did what I wanted?
Who am I now?
Am I a total fake?
If I do things just so I don't hurt people, I just hurt other people.
And myself. Not that I matter.


This was a major binge weekend, because I was staying at my grandma's house. I want to move in permanently, but the only thing stopping me is the fact that I eat so much when I'm there. Normally I feel like when people think I should eat, I don't, and when they think I shouldn't, I do. I think it's my inner rebel. But at my grandma's, it's different. At her house, she offers, and I accept because I don’t want her to feel bad. Plus, she has all of my favorite food at her house. On Sunday before my parents came home we went grocery shopping and I found myself acting like a little kid, and begging her for candy. If I ever need rehab, that’s where I'll go.


Wow Morgan. Stop talking about yourself. Move the fuck on.
This is a blog… it’s about me.
My nails are pink *shudders* I chipped the paint off of my pointer finger and thumb of my right hand.


So I gained a lot of weight. I'm back at 108 what the fuck. I hate myself. Oh well. It's always darkest before the dawn. On the bright side, HALLOWEEN A WEEK FROM TODAY! Fuck I love Halloween. Even if it is all about candy. I don't have to EAT any...
Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday, because I get to be creepy and slutty and am rewarded for it with candy :P Way to go parents, it's a rite of passage, blah blah blah, fuck that, I want to wear a corset and run around getting paid for it. Everyone's a porn star on Halloween.
This month I am performing in a pirate show at a pumpkin patch at my church. We perform every Friday and Saturday of this month. Afterwards we hang around the pumpkin patch until it closes. Sunday night we went to sonic and then Hastings, we being Me, Kenzie, Eliana, Brent, Hector, and I forget. She doesn’t like me anyway. It was really awkward.
I don’t want to talk about it.


I just want to feel like I’m doing something right. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.


I miss my brother. Man I really need him. He’s the only one who makes stuff make sense. I love him to pieces.


I’ve turned into such a hipster lately; and a pothead. My mom doesn’t know the meaning of the word hemp; she thinks it’s just some good for the environment stuff. She was in California this weekend, and she bought a bunch of hemp stuff. Hemp tea, hemp honey… I hope she never learns that word.


You know how you can smell something and it makes you think of someone? I can smell my old friend Kelsey. It’s really strange.


My morality professor just assigned the worst assignment ever. He assigned 2/3rds of a page of writing about Spiritual Gifts. What does that even MEAN?!?! It has to be in 3^rd person, because no one knows how to do that.


I had a crazy psycho dream last night, but all I can remember is a crazy fat guy in a business suit. I barely got any sleep over it. I’m exhausted now, and I honestly don’t feel like I can do all of the crazy shit I need to do today.


WHY IS IT SO FUCKING COLD!


Peace. Love. Herb.


“I am a fake;
 a constant go getter of fate.”
-Time Travel, NeverShoutNever

Thinking

Who would I be if I did what I wanted?
Who am I now?
Am I a total fake?
If I do things just so I don't hurt people, I just hurt other people.
And myself. Not that I matter.

Major binge weekend, because I was staying at my grandma's house. I want to move in permanently, but the only thing stopping me is the fact that I eat so much when I'm there. Normally I feel like when people think I should eat, I don't, and when they think I shouldn't, I do. I think it's my inner rebel. But at my grandma's, it's different. At her house, she offers, and I accept because I dont want her to feel bad. Plus, she has all of my favorite food at her house. On Sunday before my parents came home we went grocery shopping, and I found myself acting like a little kid, and begging her for candy. If I ever need rehab, thats where I'll go.

Wow morgan. stop talking about yourself. move the fuck on.

So I gained alot of weight. I'm back at 108 what the fuck. I hate myself. Oh well. It's always darkest before the dawn. On the bright side, HALLOWEEN A WEEK FROM TODAY! Fuck I love Halloween. Even if it is all about candy. I don't have to EAT any...
Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday, because I get to be creepy and slutty and am rewarded for it with candy :P Way to go parents, it's a right of passage, blah blah blah, fuck that, I wanna wear a corset and run around getting paid for it. Everyone's a porn star on Halloween.

Pain

You don’t know pain. You don’t know shit.
My rib has been broken since Tuesday. My mom doesn’t believe me. I don’t believe I can take this anymore.
I don’t sleep.
I eat even less than usual.
I can’t sing.
I hate my mom for putting me through this.
I’m shutting down. I can’t take this. I want to fucking die. DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY. Take it away Jesus please take me to heaven. Send me to hell. Anything is better than this. I can’t walk around like this anymore. Jesus I’m begging you. I would be bawling my eyes out right now if crying didn’t hurt so fucking bad. Kill me.
Dear Jesus, only you can take away my pain. Please. I know I don’t deserve much, but no human deserves this. Please.
Are you punishing me for drinking? Or cussing or being fat? I’m so sorry Lord. Please, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. Fix this. I can’t do this on my own. I need you please help. Please?

Tuesday Morning

I've been listening to alot of Christina Perri lately, specifically Arms, Penguin, and The Lonely.

I miss Libby. I haven't seen her since my disaster of a Saturday night, when my dad showed up at her door, pissed that I had gone out after my performance. i was so furious the whole way home, resolving to cut but never following through.

Last night I took 2 Nyquil and 2 aleve, around 1:30 am.

I'm so lightheaded the room is spinning.

I ate two biggish slices of thincrust pizza last night: around 240 calories?
I felt so guilty, not because of eating, because I stayed well under my caloric intake limit, but because my mom came home and my dad and I had finished the whole Pizza. It was a really small pizza, but still. I felt horrible, because my mom had a really difficult day, and her neck was really killing her. I've decided that I love my mom more now. She's more on my side than my dad now. My dad used to always be on my side, (I mean yes the abuse but when it came to my mom we were usually on the same page) but now he's just mean. He thinks as long as he doesn't leave permanently, he's an award winning father. He thinks his time is so valuable, I should be lucky he spends so much of it on me. I should be honored he has "descended from on high to mingle with the commoners."
I got that line from The Lion King. *giggles* I'm a dork.

I have this professor, Dr. B for anonymity, who talks so funny. He has certain words that he holds out really long, and other ones that he makes short and choppy. For instance, "Get. With. The. PROGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" and he's not really yelling, but projecting, and it's just hilarious. On the bright side, this forces my ADHD riddled mind to pay attention, so I actually learn in his class. Too bad he isn't my Algebra II professor, or my Physics professor, or History, because I could use a better grade in those. He is my Morality professor, not a class I particularly need assistance in, but whatever.

My left collarbone hurts, which is concerning, because I broke my right collarbone, but never my left. A lot hurts, actually. My heart, for one, because I havent seen Libby in forever. Libby I love you to fucking pieces. :)

I had black coffee with about a quarter cup of hot chocolate mixed in this morning: around 130 cals
I'm guestimating.

I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I don't know why.
I want some weed. I havent smoked weed since Friday, and it's killing me. I really want some. I need to chill.
I want a puppy, and my licence.
The second one I'm going to achieve soon, because on Thursday I'm going out for 2 hours with the driving instructor for behind the wheel. I will only have to do 2 more 2 hour lesson things with him, and then the licence is MINEEEE! muahhahahaha! This will be an especially FRIGHTENING halloween. *evil smile*

Dr. B just asked the class if anyone ever snuck into their parents liquor. I was SO CLOSE to raising my hand. That would ruin my quiet, shy, goodytwoshoes reputation I've got going on at this school. The real reason I even GO to private school is because in 8th grade I got kicked out of the Public Schooling System. No one here needs to know that though. Not many people here know about my sexual preferences, either, because this is a Catholic school, and not many catholics agree with anything other than heterosexuality.

Dr. B uses too many Hitler, WWII, and Holocaust references for my taste, which is why I stopped being a member of his Philosophy club. NOT. ALL. GERMANS. WERE. NAZI'S. I'm German. Am I going around shooting up all the Jews in this school? No. I'm not. You know why? Because MY family was part of the large section of Germans who were HIDING the Jews, and secretly forming resistances. THOSE type of Germans were EVERYWHERE. But do we ever hear about THEM?! nooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry, it pisses me off. Mexicans and whites aren't the only ones who get racism thrown at them.

G2g try to sing on a throat thats sore from puking, ttyl.

Hangover

I wrote this Monday in the late morning/early afternoon.

The morning after is never fun. After I ended the post I went upstairs and puked a lot. Partially self initiated, but definitely helped out by the fact that I had the equivalent of 1 can of tequila. This particular tequila was illegal, from Mexico. It’s illegal because it’s around 85% alcohol.

Well my mom came in and saw me puking and took (sort of) pity on me. she brought me a pillow and a cup of water. I kept begging them not to leave me through mouthfuls of vomit. I got it in my hair…

She left me and I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

I woke up at 3 am and went into my bed.

I didn’t wake up again until 11:30. It’s now 12:50 and I’m staying home from school.

Thank God for that. I wouldn’t make it through school today.

I feel bad for drinking. Here I am, supposedly a Christian, and I’m getting drunk to the point of puking.

Last night I recorded (just sound) of me reading what I typed last night. Holy shit was I gone. But I’m not gonna let myself edit the post at all, for sake of letting myself be real once in awhile. Maybe if I drink again tomorrow night I can get out of more school. I hope so. I can’t wait till I can call Kristin. Maybe I can catch her while she and Libby are still at school and talk to them both. I hope so.

My intake so far today:

Soup: 20 cals

1 danactive: 15 cals

2 vitamin chews: 40 cals

Total: 75

Let’s see if I can get by with only that for the rest of the day.

Ttyl gotta finish the paper I obviously didn’t finish last night.

1:21 pm

Large sprite: 80 cals

Total: 155

Drinking

I wrote this Sunday night.

I like tequila hell to the yes. I only had four swallows. I have a very high alcohol tolerance, so it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Obviously, I didn’t delete my blog.

Haven is not a bitch.

Libby and I are back together.

Whoop de fuckin doo.

My head feels fuzzy.

When I post this tomorrow I’m going to laugh so hard at what I typed. At least I’m not so plastered as to forget to backspace and correct my numerous errors.

I just spent 5 minutes watching the walls spin. I took acid and mdma, because I’m a guilty bitch. TEQUILAA!

Tequila makes her clothes fall off: P

That’s a country song. If you know it, props lol

I’m gonna run for another delicious swig from my bottle J

Back

There’s only three inches of the Tequila left.

God I hope they don’t notice.

I’m going to type a paragraph without backspacing now.

Once apon a time there lived a magilcal cikng named rick y bobby. Ricky bobby was a laed3r of all the monkey cats and they wanted to have a happy party in the city. But the people were so ery scared of th4 monkey cants that they lo ked the city and barred the widntos theyu don’t let nobody inside ever cuz they get eaten by dog dragaons oll the tiem and nobody liks that so th4ey eat dtacos for breackfast with lots of onlions so their breaf smells reall bad and they cant get in trouble for monkeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy caaaaaaaat poopopooooop.

Am I drunk? I think I’m just buzzed but it is hard to tell because I can’t talk out loud. Right now it is 12:18 am and my parents are asleep. If I was talking out loud I could hear if I was slurring or not.

I’m going to try to do the soldier boy dance

I did it just fine for someone who hasn’t done that dance in over 3 years.

So I got more Tequila.

I love the feeling as the warmth seeps through my whole body. I haven’t felt warm in a long time.

I want to call my baby Libby. I think she would get such a kick out of this.

I loooooooooooooove Libby. Oh my GOSH do I love her. She is the apple to my pie. The straw to my berry. She’s the smoke to my high. SHES THE ONE I WANNA MARRY. She’s the Tequila to my Sunday night. She’s the words to my feelings. She’s the ADHD medication to my brain. Kristin’s dads name is Larry. (It needed to rhyme okay.)

You’re the one for me for me

I’m the one for you (I hope)

Take the both of us

And were the perfect two

Holy crappppppppp.  I want to fuck her :)

I forgot how to do a smily face for a second.

EVERYONE IS FUCKING HAPPY OR GO HOME.

I’m supposed to by typing an essay.

What’s the essay about?

Benjamin Someone.

Button?

Benjamin Button.

No.

Benjamin Franklin! Yeah, that’s it. That dude with the kite an shit. Holy fuck I want more Tequila but I don’t want it to be gone in the AM HOURS OF THE DAY.

LIBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FUCKKKKK I NEED YOU LIKE WATER LIKE BREATH LIKE RAIN

I NEED YOU LIKE MERCY FROM HEAVENS GATES

THERES A FREEDOM IN YOUR ARMS

THAT CARRIES ME THROUGH I NEED YOU

I DARE YOU TO LOVE ME.

I FUCKING DARE YOU.

I GET LOST WHEN YOUR NOT THERE

LOST INSIDE YOUR STARE

AND EVERYTHING I HAVE DOESN’T MEAN A THING IF IT’S WITHOUT YOU

IF IT’S A DREAM DON’T WAKE ME UP

ILL SCREAM IF THIS ISNT LOVE

IF BEIN LOST MEANS NEVER KNOWIN HOW IT FEELS WITHOUT YOU

I WANNA STAY LOST FOREVER.

IM SO FUCKING CRAZY.

 Whoooooaa

Hit me so fucking hard all of a sudden

Libby fuck I need you come herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Holy shit Libby seriously

Fuck

Fuck.

This is why I love you: your eyes your smile your touch your kiss how you’re so much more experienced (girl wise) than me how you know what drives me crazy how your unintentionally cute how you are so goddamned fuckable I swear if you were here right now holy shiiiiiiiit I would lose my girl virginity.

How the first time I saw you I knew you were the one, even if you weren’t ready to look at me yet. How we found a way to make all this crazy shit work. How I fucking practically orgasm whenever you bite my neck

How shy I am to bite yours all I ever done did is rubbed it really hard and I could tell you were so into it and I wanted to fucking bite your throat off and I couldn’t work up the nerve. How we snuggle in your bed how you turned on the TV for me, even though you knew it meant you weren’t gonna get fucked that night cuz I’m too ADHD to not watch whatever show is on.

GET YOUR FUCKING PHONE BACK IM LOSING MY SHIT AND DRINKING BY MYSELF.

Fuck I need to pee. Brb.

How do you know if you are drunk or not?

I just sang the song you sang at Yuma star into the mirror and it looked like my mouth was moving way after the words came out.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Holy shit time for me to use spell-check yeah?

All better ish

Seriously Libby come have sex with me now before Jesus catches up with me.

Libby.

Fuck me.

I’m so desperate for Libby I’m crying right now. I want to finish the bottle finish my life Libby come here eat me out I’m so gonna regret this post but I don’t give a fuck. LIBBY IF YOU ARENT HERE ON THE COUNT OF FIVE IM DRINKING MORE TEQUILA! 1 2 3 4 5

Here I go

Every time after I get another drink I feel a bit more sober while the warmth is in me.

Wow I’m set up to be an alcoholic eh?

LIBBY.

LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY

No I did not use copy and paste what are you talking about

Hey Libby I love your tits.

And your ass.

And your fucking SOUL

Hey Kristin.

Seriously why can’t you be bisexual you me and Libby could have some great times you know?

Haven. You’re a sweetheart and were only defending Libby and I see this now.

Samantha. You don’t have to fuck a guy to be happy. Sex isn’t the only high out there. I know you smoke weed, so stick to that. Seriously, your gorgeous, and your prettier without makeup.

Kenzie. You are so gorgeous in every way and you need to stop letting your past hold you back.

Kristin. Be real with people. You’ll get a lot further in life. I mean yes your funny, but I don’t want to see you fucking up your life for lack of being a real person with emotions.

Delia. I don’t really know you that well but your fucking awesome. Don’t worry about anything. Your not fat, you are gorgeous. AND I FUCKING LOVE YOU (not romantically) TO PIECES, AND IVE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO YOU.

Morgan. LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT, AND SCREW YOUR GIRLFRIEND, AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE IS WORTH AT LEAST SOMETHING TO YOU, BECAUSE SHE IS WORTH EVERYTHING TO YOU.

Now I can’t feel my fingers, so goodnight ya’ll.

The room is spinning.

Libby next time you come over I’ll finish the bottle of Tequila so we can fuck without me being shy.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL AND FUCK HATERS.

If feel like I’m going to pukeeeeeeeee