Cold

May 5, 2011
Thursday
10:17 am

I’m so cold all the time. I’m freezing. I hate this.

It’s even cold outside. In Yuma. Fuck global warming, its global cooling. How is it not snowing?

I just went and dry heaved for 20 minutes, after puking up all my (very little) water and coffee that had yet to go through my system. There was a lot of blood, and it was really scary. I don’t think I should purge anymore. I can’t really call it bingeing and purging, since I didn’t binge. Last night I ate 2 small slices of pizza, and 2 helpings of sweet potato fries.

And then I purged and took laxatives. I’m such a disappointment. Would it be so hard to just do what they tell me to? Would I still be me? Who am I and where is that and how why and when am I me? They don’t even know me. No one wants to hear that you’re still sick. They want to hear “I’m really trying, I’m recovering, and I’m getting better.” If you’re stuck in sick, you might as well stop wasting their time and just get dead. I promised my friend last night that I would try, and since he sits at my lunch table, I might have to eat. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I could pretend I didn’t bring a lunch, but I’m fairly sure I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich today, judging by the smell that wafted out when I got my water out of my bag. Whenever I have peanut butter banana I have to give it to Brieanna Molina, the 85 pound girl that my friend mentioned in our Eatspirational argument. Don’t get me wrong, brie eats. Brie eats a lot. But she has probably the fastest metabolism known to man, so she burns it all off so quickly she can’t keep meat on her bones. I want my bones on my chest visible. I want it to be obvious that I have a problem. I want to fucking starve. But it’s really difficult. I think that by my senior year I could be at 88, at this rate. By senior year. That gives me two years to get my life on track. I am faced with a huge problem, though. Summer. What the fuck am I supposed to do with fucking summer? I’m going to be with my family the entire fucking summer! If I gain it all back, I don’t know what I’ll do. I wish that just for once I could poof! My body to whatever skinniness I want. Boobs, gone, so that I have less problems ever being around boys. Make me barely eligible for a training bra, please. Then I would make all my bones completely visible. Skin stretched tight over bones, shining blue in the fluorescent light. Then I would grow my hair loooooooooong long long, longer than my knees. I would knit it into a dress, a living, growing dress, and wear that always. It wouldn’t be ugly, it would be beautiful, and whenever I wanted a new color, I could dye it. It would be really itchy, to bother the deep cuts on mu ribs. I would rise up into the air in my ballet slippers, wooden blocks hidden in the toes, pink ribbons sewn into my calves; magical. I wish I could have an ounce of privacy. Right now, Malachi is reading over my shoulder and its pissing me off. I want to die………….. I feel like I’m going to pass out. I wonder, if I did, would if finally be obvious that I have a problem?

My Best Friend, Ana, Is Also My Worst Enemy

Hello.
I know I should probably start in with some sort of introduction or a bit of information about myself, but I've never been known to follow the herd.

Today was V-necks and Vans day at school. It’s spirit week, because of the inevidable and upcoming prom. I’m wearing my mom’s white v-neck t-shirt with the navy blue 1” stripes made up of about 30 ¼ cm stripes, my tighter than tight absolutely skin tight skinny jeans, and a pair of vans knock- offs from Wal-Mart that I bought this morning. I’m also wearing a new pair of socks (yes, they match) that my mom gave me for Easter. They’re baby blue with hearts with snakes wrapped around it and banners that say charmed and twisty vines. I love them. I have my hair down and not the comb over that I usually wear. I have it parted nearly down the middle, and then my bangs come from farther over. The girl in the mirror almost looked pretty today, until i looked at the rolls of fat filling out the jeans, the muffin top poking over the waistband, watermellon- sized boobs filling out the top of the shirt, bursting at the seams. disgusting.

I woke up at 6:15 this morning, and had a bowl of cereal.

1 ½ cups EnviroKids Peanut Butter Panda Puffs= 260

1 ½ cups Cascadian Farms Organic Chocolate O’s= 133.34

1 cup 1% milk= 105

498.34 = breakfast

Lunch was different today. My lunch table decided to sit in a classroom. I wasn't invited. I dont know which room. I never checked. Sean’s B period got switched to 2^nd

lunch because his teacher wanted to go to lunch. We were left with the option of awkwardly squeezing in with another table, or sitting at the empty space I normally sat at. We chose to sit at Stephen Franklin’s table. The lunch group consisted of

1.      Stephen Franklin

2.     Justin Beard

3.     Bradley Crye

4.     Justin Hutchins

5.     Sean Franklin

6.     Sean Osborne

7.     Me

Stephen has lost a lot of weight. I never noticed. He ate a lot of lunch too. God I’m jealous.

Justin has always been scrawny, but now he’s muscular.

Brad is like 7 feet tall, so he’s painfully thin.

Justin is a chubby bunny, but it suits him.

Sean is not thin, but not fat. Muscular.

Sean is chubby, but not as much as Justin, because he’s taller.

I’m huge.

I don’t know what my problem is. All I drank was water for lunch. I gave my half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (179.5) to Sean Osborne, and my trail mix (25) to Sean Franklin.

I can't sit down anymore without part of my body falling asleep, i have constant headaches that are so bad they make me cry. i cant take tylenol to make it go away (did you know tylenol has calories too?) so i just sit in agony.

My Best Guy Friend In The Whole Wide World (BGFITWWW) Drove me home from school today, and tried to get me to talk about Ana. I just couldn't.

Ana is my Truly Best Friend because she helps me. I could be normal, but i have to see my bones shining underneath my skin or I swear to fucking God I will just die.

Ana is my Worst Enemy/Nightmare because she hurts me. It's so hard to keep doing what she wants me to do. I can see the signs, the hair loss, lack of sleep, less energy except when im running on pure adrenaline and black coffee, but the weight keeps falling off, so I'll stay by Ana's side until I'm thin, thinner, thinnest, gone.

I still have to suffer through dinner with my family, where I'll choke down enough to please them, then to the gym. I used to throw myself into my workouts, but with this fatigue I can't stand up anymore without 5 to 6 minutes of almost passing out.

I can't say "I'm not hungry" anymore. I have to pack lunches for school that i eather throw away or give away. I have to nonchalantly snack in front of my parents, inner calculator running up the numbers, calculating my sins, so that I can return to my room and dig for my razor blade. I'll roll my shirt up, past the caved in jelly roll tummy, past the protruding rib bones buried deep beneath fat, and slice on my ribs, one for every calorie over my limit.

I want to give up. I'm so hungry. I want to toss my laptop aside, sprint for the kitchen, and eat anythingeverything ice cream bread pizza soup cheese spagetti steak candy doughnuts ohgod

I am getting stronger.

So what if it hurts, pain is only weakness leaving your body.