All My Friends Say (my version)

I got smoke in my hair
My clothes thrown everywhere
Woke up in someones rockin' chair
Holdin' a beer in my hand
Sportin' a neon tan

My stereo cranked up
I can't find my truck
How'd I get here from the club
Don't have a clue what went down
So I started callin' around

And all my friends say
I started shootin' up
When you walked in
All my friends say
I went a little crazy
Seeing you with him

You know I don't remember a thing
But they say I gave up stayin' clean
I was a rock star, party hard
Gettin' over you cocaine kid
Hey I musta did
What all my friends say
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I found my wallet
I cried when i looked at it
Guess my dealer found me
Now I'm broke
But it was worth blowin' $65
Yeah, girl, I musta got really high

Cuz all my friends say
I started shootin' up 
When you walked in
All my friends say
I went a little crazy
Seein' you with him

You know I don't remember a thing
But they say I gave up stayin' clean
I was a rock star, party hard
Gettin' over you cocaine kid
Hey I musta did
What all my friends say
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I was Lindsay snortin'
Off the bar
Workin' the crowd
Carvin' out my heart

Comparisons Are Easily Made

I always compare myself to my brother. He always got straight A's, the prettiest girls, the sports scholarships. He gets along perfectly with my parents, and my parents treat him with love and respect. He's a fantastic older brother, and is very protective of me. He went on to get accepted to a college with a 17% acceptance rate, The Air Force Academy. I can't even graduate high school. I'm not the only one to make this comparison, either. My parents, other parents, teachers, and even friends have asked me why I'm not more like him. I wish I was.

Better

Sometimes I just need to look at myself logistically. I mean yes I miss the security blanket of my disease, how it made everything I did focused toward one goal even if it wasn't a healthy goal, but just the same, I don't miss the distance it put between myself and my peers. Plus, I have someone who loves me just the way I am. 

On a darker note, I did cocaine again last night. I really didn't think I was ever going to do it again, but here I am, with about the zillionth nosebleed of the day. I still have some left over too...

I'm going to sell it and buy some gauges instead. 
I love you, Boyfriend. :D

Hot Tottie

I'm really sick, and this is really the only thing that helps me. No, this doesn't count as breaking sobriety. The 12 lines of coke I'm about to do, though...

Slipping Through My Fingers

I'm having a bit of a relapse. I'm dating a guy named Casey, who is rather large and muscular, so I feel that I need to look tiny in comparison. I b/ped on valentines candy all day today, and squeezed my ass into my old shorts. Other than the b/ping today, I've been slowly cutting down on my intake since Valentines Day, which is when we started dating. So far, little progress.
Today's Thinspo:

Rehab

Rehab changed me. I want my story to change the lives of others. When I'm famous, I want to start an organization to financially aid girls in rehab and therapy.
I eat now, and it makes me happy. Sometimes its hard; sometimes I feel fat, but I love the taste of a good bean and cheese burrito with salsa, and I don't add the salsa to punish myself anymore. Yes, I occasionally smoke weed, and yes, I smoke cigarettes every day, but I don't cut anymore and I try really hard every day.
I hope my success story can reach others.
Rehab changed me. I don't mean this as in it made me want to be sober, or want to be better, but it made me realize that I NEED to be.

it's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEVEE

i didn't die. i went to rehab :)

Yesterday totaled out to around 395 calories, and was not a total fail.
This morning I couldn’t get over how SKINNY I looked!!
For breakfast I had a slice of thick homemade bread with cheese and blueberries on top.
Blueberry cheesy toast may sound disgusting, but it’s actually a great combo.
The tangy sweetness of the berries compliments the saltiness of the cheese and the thickness of the bread.
I have found my new food obsession. :)

Living

I’m taking life one day at a time. I had 20 calories of pretzel balls, 130 calories of crinkle cut fries, and 25 calories of a sour candy thing. So in total, I’ve eaten 175 calories. That’s pretty good! I love life today! <3
My hair is brown/green J
I’ll redo it tonight so that it looks better, more brown less green, but I am too busy right now. J soon my dad will pick me up, so I can go home and eat and stuff. I’m on the long road to recovery J

Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I'm in a Committed Relationship to Being Single

I would kill myself, but that would make them feel guilty, wouldn't it? Or at least, if they cared. I don't want to give them the satisfaction. I'll die slowly; my habits will kill me sooner or later. So I'll just drink and smoke and puke and starve and cut, because it's who I am. I don't know any better.
I did once, but she's gone now.


And yet, alot of the time, I'm just fine, and happy, and it doesn't bother me at all. It only bothers me when I know that she still thinks I would ever cheat on her. With Eliana. Kristin knows that Eliana was flirting with me. I read Kristin the messages. I never understand why when someone is accused of cheating, it is only the fault of the person in the relationship. What about Eliana and her flirting? She knew I was in a relationship, and still had the audacity to chat me on facebook and flirt it up. Tha fuck?!


Okay, moving on. People are stupid, and I'm sticking to guys from now on. If I ever date again. For now, I really like being single. And I know that I just bitched about the drama, but to be honest, I just don't like people thinking things about me that aren't true.

Moving on AGAIN. I'm losing weight steadily again :) I will get there :)

Poetic Mood

I wrote this a long time ago...
Please excuse my excess use of poetic language today, I’m not myself.
Today is Beautiful. The fog, settling itself down upon the town like a mother bird settles herself upon the nest, but that sounds too loving. Like a dragon curls itself up to wait for prey, scales rustling, puffs of smoke curling from its nostrils.
The fog settles on this town like a disease, like a suffocating blanket, seemingly comforting at first with your head under the covers, until you cannot breathe. Except you cannot throw the covers back and escape, you just have to endure. Or die.
The weather reminds me of the movie The Mist. If you haven’t seen that movie, I’m not going to explain. Just go and rent and watch it. Seriously, it changed my life.

Any who, so I had hot chocolate this morning along with my ten usual pills. Im so tired of taking pills. Ugh. I wish I was good enough without them.
I take:

·           5 Concerta:

o     Three 36 mgs and two 15 mgs

o     For ADHD

·           2 Zoloft

o     Two 36 mgs

o     For OCD

·           1 Lithium

o     15 mg because not only is it strong, it’s a poison. This stuff is in batteries.

o     For Bipolar Disorder

·           2 Topamax

o     Two 15 mgs

o     For Bipolar Disorder

Yeah, plus some vitamins and such… L
I’m convinced that God hates me sometimes.

The sky looks lonely without the blue
And I’m so lonely without you
The world is grey,
The color gone,
And without you,
I can’t go on.
My eyes are closed,
They cannot see,
And yet life’s right in front of me.
The sky is grey,
And lonely too,
Yet mine is blue when I’m with you.

The world is finally spinning
In the right direction
No longer do I need to glance over my shoulder
I finally can smile and no longer need tears
Everything feels right for once
I swear I can't stop this contagious smile
From overtaking me
I love the elated emotion that courses through my veins
I am finally happy
Finally happy
And you know it's because of her
She's the best thing that could happen to me
I just smile and smile and smile
I can't stop
Why should I?
My life has taken a turn for the better
I couldn't be happier

My hair is ridiculously frizzy and disgusting today, due both to the humid, wet, foggy air, and the fact that I was too lazy to try today. It’s quite comical, seeing as last night it was so gorgeously curly, like it used to be. I wish I had super long hair, like… at least down to my ass, then I’ll be happy. Well, I mean, I’ll still be fat, but at least it can hide me more. I wish I could die. I hate myself. I really want to die. I’m so sick and disgusting. I just want to be like all of those other kids, the pretty ones. The smart ones. The SKINNY ones. I hate how disjointed and jumbled this post is.
I wish it was Christmas break already. I still need to Christmas shop. Shop till you drop. Do do a dollop of daisy. Daisy daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy over the likes of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage. I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two. Two of a kind two of a kind, yeah yeah yeah. I am in misery; there ain’t no body who can comfort me. Oh yeah, girl you really got me bad. You really got me bad. I’m gonna get you back, I’m gonna get you back.

“You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains… you say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines… you say that you love the wind, but you close your window when the wind blows… this is why I am afraid; you say that you love me too.”

-     William Shakespeare

You're a Jerk

I know xD

Breakup means happy?

I've never been in a mood this good. :)
I hope they're happy together, beauty and the bitch.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go write a song, which i havent done since last march :)

Good Mood= Too Much Food

I wrote this Yesterday...

I don’t feel like posting, but I’m forcing myself. I’m having horrible mood swings right now, and I know why.
Yesterday my mood was so giddy and amazing that I ate so much, I felt so good about myself that I didn’t think it would hurt. It did.
Yesterday was perfect up until the point when my phone was stolen by a total bitch. I got it back today, and they suspended her. When she comes back, I’m dead. She’s gonna come back with a grudge like no other.


On the bright side, I didn’t eat lunch. I had some weight control oatmeal for breakfast, which was somewhere around 150 calories.
I’m going to start the ABC diet next week maybe… I think it will be muy difícil over Christmas break, but hopefully I can manage. I just want to be skinny. Please, God, make me skinny. Skinny skinny.
Pleasseeeee I want to be skinny.


I wanna be beautiful
So fuckin’ bad
Get the compliments I’ve never had.
I wanna be on the cover of
Vogue magazine
Smilin’ next to beckham and Lavigne
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my bones like shinin’ lights
A different diet every night
Oh I, I swear
The world better prepare
For when I’m lighter than air

Amazing

Kenzie, if you don't want to hear this stuff, don't read it, 'cause I'm tired of catering to everyone else's feelings on my blog. I know that sounds harsh but Kenzie you know I'll always be your friend, and I am just fed up of being who everyone wants me to be.

Saturday night was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I have bruises on my neck, bruises on the front of my hips (and on the area in between them...), on my legs and arms, and my bottom lip is swollen. IM SO HAPPY. Libby and I talked through some painful issues in my life, like my anorexia, and stuff like that...
I mean, I'm not done... But at least now I make an attempt to be okay.
Libby and I are a lot closer now, I think. I tried to make her understand why I'm not ready, but she didn't really... Get it... whatever... I’ll make her see somehow...

I had oatmeal for breakfast J
I’m so ridiculously happy today. I feel like nothing could go wrong, nothing could bring me down from this high. Holy Mary Mother of God I’m in love.
If I ever had any doubts… well just look at me! my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, I have this little ache on my side where her hand was when we fell asleep.

Finals

I wrote this Friday

Finals
I FUCKING HATE FINALS.
They’re kicking my ass.
Speaking of my ass, it’s huge.
I was doing well, but I had an almost binge last night with Meaghan.
Panda Kids Meal
Fried rice: 530
Orange chicken: 420
Fortune cookie: 32
Chocolate Chunk Cookie: 160
Small Sonic Vanilla Malt: 500

People suck.

Do you know how nervous I am, my dad's twin brother (I've called him Uncle Daddy since forever) is coming to listen to me singing in German at Mass today. I’m going to be singing Silent Night. HELP!
I feel like I’m only losing weight on my stomach. My ribs don’t show on my chest, and they did last year. Also, my back doesn’t really look that bony. Other than my spine, nothin. A little bit of visible shoulder blade, that’s it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Just gotta keep plowing on. I hope I can be at least 98 by the time my brother gets home for Christmas, I wonder if he will notice the difference. Doubtful. I wish I had a good picture of me at the end of the summer, so I could compare it to now. The problem is, at SuperCamp, I got used to the whole “excited about food” attitude we had there, so I kept it almost the rest of the summer. Then, when summer was almost over, I had what is called a triggering moment. I tried to put on my black cutoff shorts, and I COULDN’T. I panicked. I didn’t really change though. I just became aware of my fatness.

I just sang. It went fine. I don’t know why I was overreacting. It went amazingly well.

Robert and I are going to have a conference with this idiotic teacher at my school. He continuously insists on singing in the mass choir even though he doesn’t know the songs and doesn’t attend practices. So today we had to stall for awhile because we were waiting for the Priest to arrive, so he decided to sing. Which is fine, its whatever, except the first song he sang was SILENT NIGHT. AND HE DIDN’T KNOW THE WORDS. Fuck my life.
So here is what were going to say, in a nutshell.
(Ha-ha imagine us sitting in a giant nutshell talking to him xD)
“So I understand that you tried to keep with the fact that we were singing Christmas songs this week, but understand, if you would EVER attend practice, you would have known that we had plans for Silent Night. Now, seeing as you are a teacher, we understand that it is necessary for you to be in your classroom from 3:00 pm to 3:40 pm, which, coincidentally, is when Mass Choir practices occur. Therefore, we regret to inform you, due to the problems you present to the efficiency of the mass, we will have to ask you not to participate any longer. We ask all of our Mass Choir members to follow these rules, and it is only fair that we ask you to comply as well.”
Or something like that.

Weight Loss

I wrote this yesterday.
How is this possible? I have lost eight pounds since November 28^th.  I hold and cup my hip bones with my hands when I lay down, I study my body in every mirror, I drool over my ribs, my spine, my collarbones. I fucking LOVE losing weight. I wish other people would notice it though. The only people who I think could actually tell that I’m skinnier are the people who haven’t seen me since mid-late summer.

Terrorists have killed 3000 Americans since 1990.
Abortionists have killed 4000 Americans since yesterday.

Scattered

I just didn’t know what to say. I just feel like words cannot express these feelings. My voice is gone, and it just kills me. It kills. I sang in front of my entire youth group on Sunday night. Libby attended. Promptly afterward, my voice finished disappearing. It was on the way out, but now, well, I’m never gonna be a singer. And that’s okay, I guess. I can still be an author. I just wish that I could lose the weight I need to. I’m so fucking fat, and at the same time I look at myself and am happy every time I see more sharply defined ribs, when I’m able to grab my hip bones, when I can feel the hunger curling into my stomach. I am happy being anorexic. (God, that’s an ugly word)
I don’t want to let go of my dreams of being thinner, my dreams of being a singer, my dreams of being love, my dreams of having children.
But alas, I must.

I’m trying to be a better Christian, but its hard to wrap my head around someone loving me so much that they would die for me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand anyone loving me. I’m really down right now. I’m such a fake. I pretend to be anorexic, but I’m not even skinny. I lie to everyone; I act like I’m such a badass.
I should fucking die.
I don’t deserve all of the kindness shown to me; I don’t deserve all the compliments. I deserve every second of embarrassment, every second of sadness, of pain, hurt, and hatred towards me. Every ill will towards me, every snide comment, every bad grade, every smack and kick and punch, I deserve.
I deserve to die.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.