Thinking

Who would I be if I did what I wanted?
Who am I now?
Am I a total fake?
If I do things just so I don't hurt people, I just hurt other people.
And myself. Not that I matter.

Major binge weekend, because I was staying at my grandma's house. I want to move in permanently, but the only thing stopping me is the fact that I eat so much when I'm there. Normally I feel like when people think I should eat, I don't, and when they think I shouldn't, I do. I think it's my inner rebel. But at my grandma's, it's different. At her house, she offers, and I accept because I dont want her to feel bad. Plus, she has all of my favorite food at her house. On Sunday before my parents came home we went grocery shopping, and I found myself acting like a little kid, and begging her for candy. If I ever need rehab, thats where I'll go.

Wow morgan. stop talking about yourself. move the fuck on.

So I gained alot of weight. I'm back at 108 what the fuck. I hate myself. Oh well. It's always darkest before the dawn. On the bright side, HALLOWEEN A WEEK FROM TODAY! Fuck I love Halloween. Even if it is all about candy. I don't have to EAT any...
Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday, because I get to be creepy and slutty and am rewarded for it with candy :P Way to go parents, it's a right of passage, blah blah blah, fuck that, I wanna wear a corset and run around getting paid for it. Everyone's a porn star on Halloween.

Pain

You don’t know pain. You don’t know shit.
My rib has been broken since Tuesday. My mom doesn’t believe me. I don’t believe I can take this anymore.
I don’t sleep.
I eat even less than usual.
I can’t sing.
I hate my mom for putting me through this.
I’m shutting down. I can’t take this. I want to fucking die. DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY. Take it away Jesus please take me to heaven. Send me to hell. Anything is better than this. I can’t walk around like this anymore. Jesus I’m begging you. I would be bawling my eyes out right now if crying didn’t hurt so fucking bad. Kill me.
Dear Jesus, only you can take away my pain. Please. I know I don’t deserve much, but no human deserves this. Please.
Are you punishing me for drinking? Or cussing or being fat? I’m so sorry Lord. Please, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. Fix this. I can’t do this on my own. I need you please help. Please?

Tuesday Morning

I've been listening to alot of Christina Perri lately, specifically Arms, Penguin, and The Lonely.

I miss Libby. I haven't seen her since my disaster of a Saturday night, when my dad showed up at her door, pissed that I had gone out after my performance. i was so furious the whole way home, resolving to cut but never following through.

Last night I took 2 Nyquil and 2 aleve, around 1:30 am.

I'm so lightheaded the room is spinning.

I ate two biggish slices of thincrust pizza last night: around 240 calories?
I felt so guilty, not because of eating, because I stayed well under my caloric intake limit, but because my mom came home and my dad and I had finished the whole Pizza. It was a really small pizza, but still. I felt horrible, because my mom had a really difficult day, and her neck was really killing her. I've decided that I love my mom more now. She's more on my side than my dad now. My dad used to always be on my side, (I mean yes the abuse but when it came to my mom we were usually on the same page) but now he's just mean. He thinks as long as he doesn't leave permanently, he's an award winning father. He thinks his time is so valuable, I should be lucky he spends so much of it on me. I should be honored he has "descended from on high to mingle with the commoners."
I got that line from The Lion King. *giggles* I'm a dork.

I have this professor, Dr. B for anonymity, who talks so funny. He has certain words that he holds out really long, and other ones that he makes short and choppy. For instance, "Get. With. The. PROGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" and he's not really yelling, but projecting, and it's just hilarious. On the bright side, this forces my ADHD riddled mind to pay attention, so I actually learn in his class. Too bad he isn't my Algebra II professor, or my Physics professor, or History, because I could use a better grade in those. He is my Morality professor, not a class I particularly need assistance in, but whatever.

My left collarbone hurts, which is concerning, because I broke my right collarbone, but never my left. A lot hurts, actually. My heart, for one, because I havent seen Libby in forever. Libby I love you to fucking pieces. :)

I had black coffee with about a quarter cup of hot chocolate mixed in this morning: around 130 cals
I'm guestimating.

I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I don't know why.
I want some weed. I havent smoked weed since Friday, and it's killing me. I really want some. I need to chill.
I want a puppy, and my licence.
The second one I'm going to achieve soon, because on Thursday I'm going out for 2 hours with the driving instructor for behind the wheel. I will only have to do 2 more 2 hour lesson things with him, and then the licence is MINEEEE! muahhahahaha! This will be an especially FRIGHTENING halloween. *evil smile*

Dr. B just asked the class if anyone ever snuck into their parents liquor. I was SO CLOSE to raising my hand. That would ruin my quiet, shy, goodytwoshoes reputation I've got going on at this school. The real reason I even GO to private school is because in 8th grade I got kicked out of the Public Schooling System. No one here needs to know that though. Not many people here know about my sexual preferences, either, because this is a Catholic school, and not many catholics agree with anything other than heterosexuality.

Dr. B uses too many Hitler, WWII, and Holocaust references for my taste, which is why I stopped being a member of his Philosophy club. NOT. ALL. GERMANS. WERE. NAZI'S. I'm German. Am I going around shooting up all the Jews in this school? No. I'm not. You know why? Because MY family was part of the large section of Germans who were HIDING the Jews, and secretly forming resistances. THOSE type of Germans were EVERYWHERE. But do we ever hear about THEM?! nooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry, it pisses me off. Mexicans and whites aren't the only ones who get racism thrown at them.

G2g try to sing on a throat thats sore from puking, ttyl.

Hangover

I wrote this Monday in the late morning/early afternoon.

The morning after is never fun. After I ended the post I went upstairs and puked a lot. Partially self initiated, but definitely helped out by the fact that I had the equivalent of 1 can of tequila. This particular tequila was illegal, from Mexico. It’s illegal because it’s around 85% alcohol.

Well my mom came in and saw me puking and took (sort of) pity on me. she brought me a pillow and a cup of water. I kept begging them not to leave me through mouthfuls of vomit. I got it in my hair…

She left me and I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

I woke up at 3 am and went into my bed.

I didn’t wake up again until 11:30. It’s now 12:50 and I’m staying home from school.

Thank God for that. I wouldn’t make it through school today.

I feel bad for drinking. Here I am, supposedly a Christian, and I’m getting drunk to the point of puking.

Last night I recorded (just sound) of me reading what I typed last night. Holy shit was I gone. But I’m not gonna let myself edit the post at all, for sake of letting myself be real once in awhile. Maybe if I drink again tomorrow night I can get out of more school. I hope so. I can’t wait till I can call Kristin. Maybe I can catch her while she and Libby are still at school and talk to them both. I hope so.

My intake so far today:

Soup: 20 cals

1 danactive: 15 cals

2 vitamin chews: 40 cals

Total: 75

Let’s see if I can get by with only that for the rest of the day.

Ttyl gotta finish the paper I obviously didn’t finish last night.

1:21 pm

Large sprite: 80 cals

Total: 155

Drinking

I wrote this Sunday night.

I like tequila hell to the yes. I only had four swallows. I have a very high alcohol tolerance, so it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Obviously, I didn’t delete my blog.

Haven is not a bitch.

Libby and I are back together.

Whoop de fuckin doo.

My head feels fuzzy.

When I post this tomorrow I’m going to laugh so hard at what I typed. At least I’m not so plastered as to forget to backspace and correct my numerous errors.

I just spent 5 minutes watching the walls spin. I took acid and mdma, because I’m a guilty bitch. TEQUILAA!

Tequila makes her clothes fall off: P

That’s a country song. If you know it, props lol

I’m gonna run for another delicious swig from my bottle J

Back

There’s only three inches of the Tequila left.

God I hope they don’t notice.

I’m going to type a paragraph without backspacing now.

Once apon a time there lived a magilcal cikng named rick y bobby. Ricky bobby was a laed3r of all the monkey cats and they wanted to have a happy party in the city. But the people were so ery scared of th4 monkey cants that they lo ked the city and barred the widntos theyu don’t let nobody inside ever cuz they get eaten by dog dragaons oll the tiem and nobody liks that so th4ey eat dtacos for breackfast with lots of onlions so their breaf smells reall bad and they cant get in trouble for monkeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy caaaaaaaat poopopooooop.

Am I drunk? I think I’m just buzzed but it is hard to tell because I can’t talk out loud. Right now it is 12:18 am and my parents are asleep. If I was talking out loud I could hear if I was slurring or not.

I’m going to try to do the soldier boy dance

I did it just fine for someone who hasn’t done that dance in over 3 years.

So I got more Tequila.

I love the feeling as the warmth seeps through my whole body. I haven’t felt warm in a long time.

I want to call my baby Libby. I think she would get such a kick out of this.

I loooooooooooooove Libby. Oh my GOSH do I love her. She is the apple to my pie. The straw to my berry. She’s the smoke to my high. SHES THE ONE I WANNA MARRY. She’s the Tequila to my Sunday night. She’s the words to my feelings. She’s the ADHD medication to my brain. Kristin’s dads name is Larry. (It needed to rhyme okay.)

You’re the one for me for me

I’m the one for you (I hope)

Take the both of us

And were the perfect two

Holy crappppppppp.  I want to fuck her :)

I forgot how to do a smily face for a second.

EVERYONE IS FUCKING HAPPY OR GO HOME.

I’m supposed to by typing an essay.

What’s the essay about?

Benjamin Someone.

Button?

Benjamin Button.

No.

Benjamin Franklin! Yeah, that’s it. That dude with the kite an shit. Holy fuck I want more Tequila but I don’t want it to be gone in the AM HOURS OF THE DAY.

LIBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FUCKKKKK I NEED YOU LIKE WATER LIKE BREATH LIKE RAIN

I NEED YOU LIKE MERCY FROM HEAVENS GATES

THERES A FREEDOM IN YOUR ARMS

THAT CARRIES ME THROUGH I NEED YOU

I DARE YOU TO LOVE ME.

I FUCKING DARE YOU.

I GET LOST WHEN YOUR NOT THERE

LOST INSIDE YOUR STARE

AND EVERYTHING I HAVE DOESN’T MEAN A THING IF IT’S WITHOUT YOU

IF IT’S A DREAM DON’T WAKE ME UP

ILL SCREAM IF THIS ISNT LOVE

IF BEIN LOST MEANS NEVER KNOWIN HOW IT FEELS WITHOUT YOU

I WANNA STAY LOST FOREVER.

IM SO FUCKING CRAZY.

 Whoooooaa

Hit me so fucking hard all of a sudden

Libby fuck I need you come herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Holy shit Libby seriously

Fuck

Fuck.

This is why I love you: your eyes your smile your touch your kiss how you’re so much more experienced (girl wise) than me how you know what drives me crazy how your unintentionally cute how you are so goddamned fuckable I swear if you were here right now holy shiiiiiiiit I would lose my girl virginity.

How the first time I saw you I knew you were the one, even if you weren’t ready to look at me yet. How we found a way to make all this crazy shit work. How I fucking practically orgasm whenever you bite my neck

How shy I am to bite yours all I ever done did is rubbed it really hard and I could tell you were so into it and I wanted to fucking bite your throat off and I couldn’t work up the nerve. How we snuggle in your bed how you turned on the TV for me, even though you knew it meant you weren’t gonna get fucked that night cuz I’m too ADHD to not watch whatever show is on.

GET YOUR FUCKING PHONE BACK IM LOSING MY SHIT AND DRINKING BY MYSELF.

Fuck I need to pee. Brb.

How do you know if you are drunk or not?

I just sang the song you sang at Yuma star into the mirror and it looked like my mouth was moving way after the words came out.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Holy shit time for me to use spell-check yeah?

All better ish

Seriously Libby come have sex with me now before Jesus catches up with me.

Libby.

Fuck me.

I’m so desperate for Libby I’m crying right now. I want to finish the bottle finish my life Libby come here eat me out I’m so gonna regret this post but I don’t give a fuck. LIBBY IF YOU ARENT HERE ON THE COUNT OF FIVE IM DRINKING MORE TEQUILA! 1 2 3 4 5

Here I go

Every time after I get another drink I feel a bit more sober while the warmth is in me.

Wow I’m set up to be an alcoholic eh?

LIBBY.

LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY LIBBY

No I did not use copy and paste what are you talking about

Hey Libby I love your tits.

And your ass.

And your fucking SOUL

Hey Kristin.

Seriously why can’t you be bisexual you me and Libby could have some great times you know?

Haven. You’re a sweetheart and were only defending Libby and I see this now.

Samantha. You don’t have to fuck a guy to be happy. Sex isn’t the only high out there. I know you smoke weed, so stick to that. Seriously, your gorgeous, and your prettier without makeup.

Kenzie. You are so gorgeous in every way and you need to stop letting your past hold you back.

Kristin. Be real with people. You’ll get a lot further in life. I mean yes your funny, but I don’t want to see you fucking up your life for lack of being a real person with emotions.

Delia. I don’t really know you that well but your fucking awesome. Don’t worry about anything. Your not fat, you are gorgeous. AND I FUCKING LOVE YOU (not romantically) TO PIECES, AND IVE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO YOU.

Morgan. LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT, AND SCREW YOUR GIRLFRIEND, AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE IS WORTH AT LEAST SOMETHING TO YOU, BECAUSE SHE IS WORTH EVERYTHING TO YOU.

Now I can’t feel my fingers, so goodnight ya’ll.

The room is spinning.

Libby next time you come over I’ll finish the bottle of Tequila so we can fuck without me being shy.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL AND FUCK HATERS.

If feel like I’m going to pukeeeeeeeee

Deleting

IM DELETING MY BLOG.
im so sick of everyone being like: your a whore. i know. i read your blog.
so fuck it. ill still read everyone elses, im just not posting anymore.
peace out. maybe ill start a new one.
Kristin is my best friend.
I love Libby.
Libby hates me.
Haven is a bitch.
Everyone else can suck it and die.
peace.

This Weekend Was Bipolar

This weekend was bipolar. Home was both horrible and pleasant. Times with friends were the same. Really the only good thing that came out of it was a song. Not just any song, a Beatles song, redone by my favorite band, Never Shout Never.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-GnlPdspBw&feature=related&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1&safe=active

I just want to curl up and die, and I’m also extremely happy. I don’t understand. My brain hurts.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up when High School is over.

My only indulgences this weekend were non-diet soda and peanut butter m&m’s. dinner last night was 12 pieces of celery with peanut butter. Lunch was applejuice. Im going to try so hard not to eat dinner tonight. I did so well eating this weekend, but I didn’t lose any weight.